Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

  • Mood:


I am not very good with deadlines.

Sometimes, it is hard to figure out whether my anxiety around a goal means I should push forward on the goal (conventional wisdom) or let myself off the hook. I'm very close to finishing the main re-editing on Book One. I wanted to get the last chapter of the book finished before my birthday on Tuesday, which I could possibly still pull off. But even after that, I will have to go back and re-do the earlier chapters I read through before I decided to edit and not just proofread the new version of the book.

So, the edits won't be totally done by my birthday, anyway. And I am getting so anxious. I don't think that completing the goal will make that anxiety go away. But it feels pathetic to get so close and just let it all fall apart at the end. I think to myself: I waited too long; I took too many breaks. I knew that getting closer to my birthday was going to mean more anxiety. But if I had pushed too hard earlier on, I know I would've broken down then. And I wouldn't be nearly as far along as I am now.

Instead, I got very close to completing a project that had grown in scope in the timeframe I gave myself. The only reason I had given myself this goal in the first place was because I felt like I had dropped the ball so many times in the last year with promised projects. Book Two is still not out. This new version of Book One turned into a much bigger - though still totally needed - project. I wanted to have something to show for all the work I've been doing. To have something "big" to announce before my birthday. I wasn't doing it for me. I was doing it to prove something.

So, I guess that's the answer right there. The re-edits will not be done before my birthday, either way. And I may not be feeling up to working for a while. I can't really prove my worthiness with completing a goal on a (self-imposed) deadline. All of that is temporary recognition, if even that. The important part is having two new(ish) books that I am totally proud of, no matter how long that takes.

Tags: anxiety, books, magic inc, writing

  • September 2021 Favorites

    My stress levels have been high, my energy has been low, and yet I somehow have been writing again. Which has been like a breath of fresh autumn air.…

  • Painting with Words

    When I was a teenager, I told my friends I had visions. Because I did. Just not the kind they were thinking of. They didn't believe me. 😅 At…

  • Fireflies of Inspiration

    This week, I've been wrapped up in Book Three for the first time in a while. Reading things over, editing a bit, then finishing up a chapter I…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.