Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

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I am not very good with deadlines.

Sometimes, it is hard to figure out whether my anxiety around a goal means I should push forward on the goal (conventional wisdom) or let myself off the hook. I'm very close to finishing the main re-editing on Book One. I wanted to get the last chapter of the book finished before my birthday on Tuesday, which I could possibly still pull off. But even after that, I will have to go back and re-do the earlier chapters I read through before I decided to edit and not just proofread the new version of the book.

So, the edits won't be totally done by my birthday, anyway. And I am getting so anxious. I don't think that completing the goal will make that anxiety go away. But it feels pathetic to get so close and just let it all fall apart at the end. I think to myself: I waited too long; I took too many breaks. I knew that getting closer to my birthday was going to mean more anxiety. But if I had pushed too hard earlier on, I know I would've broken down then. And I wouldn't be nearly as far along as I am now.

Instead, I got very close to completing a project that had grown in scope in the timeframe I gave myself. The only reason I had given myself this goal in the first place was because I felt like I had dropped the ball so many times in the last year with promised projects. Book Two is still not out. This new version of Book One turned into a much bigger - though still totally needed - project. I wanted to have something to show for all the work I've been doing. To have something "big" to announce before my birthday. I wasn't doing it for me. I was doing it to prove something.

So, I guess that's the answer right there. The re-edits will not be done before my birthday, either way. And I may not be feeling up to working for a while. I can't really prove my worthiness with completing a goal on a (self-imposed) deadline. All of that is temporary recognition, if even that. The important part is having two new(ish) books that I am totally proud of, no matter how long that takes.

Tags: anxiety, books, magic inc, writing

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