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Deadlines

I am not very good with deadlines.

Sometimes, it is hard to figure out whether my anxiety around a goal means I should push forward on the goal (conventional wisdom) or let myself off the hook. I'm very close to finishing the main re-editing on Book One. I wanted to get the last chapter of the book finished before my birthday on Tuesday, which I could possibly still pull off. But even after that, I will have to go back and re-do the earlier chapters I read through before I decided to edit and not just proofread the new version of the book.

So, the edits won't be totally done by my birthday, anyway. And I am getting so anxious. I don't think that completing the goal will make that anxiety go away. But it feels pathetic to get so close and just let it all fall apart at the end. I think to myself: I waited too long; I took too many breaks. I knew that getting closer to my birthday was going to mean more anxiety. But if I had pushed too hard earlier on, I know I would've broken down then. And I wouldn't be nearly as far along as I am now.

Instead, I got very close to completing a project that had grown in scope in the timeframe I gave myself. The only reason I had given myself this goal in the first place was because I felt like I had dropped the ball so many times in the last year with promised projects. Book Two is still not out. This new version of Book One turned into a much bigger - though still totally needed - project. I wanted to have something to show for all the work I've been doing. To have something "big" to announce before my birthday. I wasn't doing it for me. I was doing it to prove something.

So, I guess that's the answer right there. The re-edits will not be done before my birthday, either way. And I may not be feeling up to working for a while. I can't really prove my worthiness with completing a goal on a (self-imposed) deadline. All of that is temporary recognition, if even that. The important part is having two new(ish) books that I am totally proud of, no matter how long that takes.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
starswan
May. 31st, 2019 06:55 pm (UTC)
Sometimes, it is hard to figure out whether my anxiety around a goal means I should push forward on the goal (conventional wisdom) or let myself off the hook.

Relatable! And Happy Belated Birthday! I've been taking care of a dependent family member who fell ill this past Summer, but I miss touching base about writing. :/ I hope that other things in your life are going well.

I hope all of your goals continue to work out for you. :)
fireflys_locket
Jun. 2nd, 2019 07:35 pm (UTC)
Hey, I'm sorry about your family member falling ill. I hope for their health and recovery. Thank you for the birthday acknowledgement. Birthdays tend to be rough for me, but this one wasn't so bad. I'm already back to working on edits, so the delay wasn't that disruptive, either. I'm heading into the last of the Book One edits. (The parts of the book that I read before I went from proofreading to full edits.)
starswan
Jun. 8th, 2019 03:49 am (UTC)
Thank you for your kind words. :3
I remember. Mine is aways off and I am going to try to spend it alone, if at all possible! I am glad that yours was not so bad.

:)!
Progress.

I have not even made it to draft one though I am hopeful that this year, despite outside stresses, will prove differently!
Happy writing/editing.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )