Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford
fireflys_locket

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Didn't want to be your ghost...

I haven't been writing. That happens. This time, it's because I've been devoting so much time to cleaning and organizing, which has been both physically and emotionally exhausting. I've found old notebooks, old journals, old pictures. I've felt myself falling back in time 10-11 years in seconds. I've also been playing Final Fantasy X HD, when I was playing the original game for the first time exactly 10 years ago. Sometimes, I find myself so deeply involved with the game that I start forgetting where I am. All of this is very bittersweet. It hurts. But it hurts so good. My heart is all over the place, and my head's thoroughly confused. I'm going back to old thought patterns, scolding myself like I used to.

Then, I breathe and remember it's 2014. That stuff's all behind me. (For better or worse.) And I like my life now. I love myself now. Yes, I'm still very lonely. But other than that, I'm doing exactly what I love to do. What I'm meant to do. If I keep to the path I'm travelling, I just need someone to share it with for everything to eventually be perfect. Still, I'm almost 25. And I don't feel like it. I feel younger than I did when I was a teenager. I am myself than ever, but am I really an adult? I'm dreading May, like every year. I'm trying to tell myself it can't be worse than turning  21 was. When I'm really not sure.

Ah, I can't wait until this cleaning is done. I want that mess far, far behind me. But there will still be lots to look through. This whole year might be dedicated more to revisiting the past than shaping the future. I don't know if that's good. But it has to be done. I just wish I could drop out of time completely for a while, to recover. But I feel like I'm haunting my own memories as much as they're haunting me.

Tags: anxiety, final fantasy, video games
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