Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford
fireflys_locket

I Like My Attachments

When the clocks changed, so did my mood and motivation. In the last week, I finally finished the first chapter of Dreaming in Shadow, got through half of the second chapter, and wrote a whole chapter Magic Inc. Maybe that sounds great. And most of the way through, it was. But by my fourth day in a row of writing, I was pushing myself too much. See, around this time of the year, a lot of writers are doing NaNoWriMo. And let's just be honest, I hate NaNo. The idea of writing a whole story in a month makes me feel ill. I don't want to force writing out every day. I don't want to care about word counts. But then, other writers I know do NaNo and post about their word counts and such. And I'm jealous.

Yeah, I'll admit to that. I'm glad that I'm sticking to my ideals and the way I work best. But NaNo does produce visible results, and it makes me feel inferior. I'll have been working on Dreaming in Shadow for 10 years come December 24th. I've gone through ups and downs. The earliest chapters have been through 5+ versions. And I know NaNo is not the end of the story for writers who participate. I'm sure lots of great novels have surfaced out of NaNo. But the point of NaNo has been stated as "quantity, not quality". And I just can't agree with that at any point of the way.

Still, my Ego gets jealous at the results. The Ego likes numbers. And even though it was disguised as getting to see how ridiculous getting that much writing done in a month would be for me, I pushed myself on Wednesday to make the 1,667 words in a day that would be a daily amount to reach 50,000 words in a month. With only a couple of 20 minute breaks and one hour-long break, it took me all day. And I was ill by the end of the day.

I was so drained and sick that, the next day, I read an article that triggered me so much I had to crawl in bed sobbing. I will totally claim my part of this. If I hadn't overworked for four days in a row, I probably could have gotten past this with just a minor bad mood. But that's not what happened. And now, I feel like I have to say something.

I like my attachments.

I enjoy reading The Daily Love and other spiritual sites. I honestly do. But occasionally, I'll hit a post that triggers me. (And often, it's not that bad when I go back to it. My own emotional state when I read almost always plays a role.) But I definitely have an issue with the "release attachments" way of thinking. This article makes mention of it in a way of saying that if we're too attached to an outcome we'll never get it. And he used the example of a friend of a friend trying to find "the one". He was apparently too attached to this idea and only found someone when he stopped looking. This triggered me because it was basically telling me to give up my attachment to finding Morgan. And that just sent me into hysterics.

Look, I'm not going to argue over what works for other people. Everyone is different. But I hear this "release attachments" way too often. I hate the idea that - to make ourselves more spiritual - we have to be unattached to things. We may be spiritual beings having a human experience, but we are still human. Yes, occasionally, being too attached can bring you pain. But I don't believe the right way to react to that is to not care. I want to be attached to finding Morgan. I want to be attached to being known as a writer. I don't want to "release my attachment to the outcome" of those things. In fact, trying to release those things would give me the pain of repressing core parts of myself.

I do believe there's something to be said about not being attached to exactly how and when these things will happen. But I do need these things in my future. And I want to need them. They are part of who I am. I will do my best to follow where the Universe guides me and understand that It knows best. But I was not given these dreams for no reason. I was meant to be invested in finding my Soulmate. And I will never give that up. Not for anything.
Tags: anxiety, rant, spirituality, writing
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