Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford
fireflys_locket

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What Panic Feels Like

I've been having a really bad few days here. Huge understatement, actually. I'm not going to get into why too much, but it's just the usual worries of never finding that one person I could realy connect with more than anyone, my soulmate. Worrying that such a person couldn't exist for me, because I'm so... different, and therefore, who I'm looking for is so unique. Except take months of little worries building up while I watch everyone around me getting engaged, starting families, and even getting their first kisses... and let it all explode.

I even cried at my last session with Jill, which like... almost never happens. I was just losing it. Sometimes, I just get so caught up in panic, that I can barely breathe. And this morning, that happened here while I was home alone. It hurt so much, I was literally screaming my tears out. I felt like I was going to die of pain. That's what panic attacks can be like at their highest intensity.

Reconnecting with one of my best friends is helping me to steady, but I can't honestly predict how things will go right now. How long this wave might last. I'm clinging to the edge of control, and I keep slipping. My mind keeps attacking, saying there's no such thing as soulmates. No one like me exists out there.That life is all about being miserable. That there's no hope for me to ever find happiness.

And anytime things get this bad, I worry that I'll never get back to normal (as pathetic as my normal is). That this will be the wave, which drowns me.
Tags: anxiety, morgan
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