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Pressure and Panic

Things have gotten really bad. For a long time now, I've been stuggling through - time and time again - when I post something sad on Facebook, everyone tries to fix me or talk me out of it. The pressure has been colossal. Meanwhile, I've been screaming for someone to give me the support I need. I have Jill and my Mom, but I don't have friends who have the time for me. There aren't many people who even find the time to answer my messages. And moreover, they mostly don't understand what I'm going through.

It was for this reason that Jill mentioned at the end of my session trying to create an online group for what she was calling "eeyore"-type people. Just the idea of being in charge of a group and trying to search out people to join was enough to make me sick. I mentioned my stress in a status, which resulted in a friend trying to talk me into making the group. I tried to tell her I couldn't handle it and that I didn't even want it. I just wanted someone to talk to one-on-one. But she wouldn't stop until she got frustrated with me for rejecting her ideas. But I was never asking for help in the first place. I rarely am. Mostly, I just post stuff in a status to get out what I'm feeling. Asking only for someone to listen.

Finally, I had to write up the post of been thinking about for months:

"Okay, I want to say first of all that this is not coming from an angry or mean place. Please don’t read it that way. This is coming from a place of desperation from needing support, but not getting the support that’s right for me. I know that people are trying to help me by making suggestions, and they get frustrated when I reject their ideas. But here are some things about me… When I need help, I’ll ask for it directly. Most of the posts I make are statements about what’s going on with me at the time. I’m not asking for someone to fix things. I’m asking for someone to listen. Maybe offer a distraction as opposed to a fix. Also, when I say something like “I can’t” or “I don’t want to”, I mean it. Honestly. I know a lot of people say things like that, wanting someone to talk them into it. That’s not me. I’m a direct person. I say what I feel, and I mean what I say. That’s how I work. When people are suggesting things that would be hard for me (especially social things), I end up visualizing it and feeling panic almost as bad as if it was actually happening. So, I feel like I have to shut down that idea absolutely, so that it will stop hurting me. I know that is not the intention, but that is how I feel. I have Panic Disorder, and I am prone to panicking. I’ve included a link my Mom found to a site talking about how to support people with Panic Disorder, and I relate to a lot of what is being said. Maybe taking a look will help you understand a little better."

After I posted that, my friend sent me a message on how she was angry that I would ask her to treat me differently. That my sickness was in my head, and it was my fault I was so miserable. But that's not true. Emotional pain is real, as real as any disease. And there's nothing wrong with asking for what you need, whether you have an emotional disorder or not. Any person who is trying to get someone to stop pushing them should be respected. I'm not asking for anything but caring and respect.

I'm very sick. I feel like I'm alone and always will be. Right now, I feel like Morgan can't exist because he's too good to be true. No one can give me that kind of love and understanding and actually be there for me. I can't even find a friend to do that, so how can I find someone like that who'd actually want me romantically? I just need that person so badly. One day, Jill will retire, and my Mom will be gone. And I will be hopelessly alone. I can't make it through that.

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( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
fireflys_locket
Oct. 6th, 2012 07:37 pm (UTC)
We've had our ups and downs. A long history. But up until this incident, she was being more supportive of me than any of my other friends. I thought things between us were finally going well. She's the oldest friend I still have... and the only person I could count on to return a message. She's like... all I have. No one else has time for me. And I do love her. It's just... sometimes, she can act like she was back when we first became friends: cruel and cold. And after all my years of bullying and abuse, I don't know how much more I can take before I completely break apart.
therentyoupay
Oct. 7th, 2012 02:49 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, Valerie. :( I know this was posted just yesterday afternoon, but I sincerely hope you have started to feel at least a little better since then.
fireflys_locket
Oct. 7th, 2012 03:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Dear. <3 I'm pretty depressed still, but I've calmed down out of the panic. I think my friend and I are just going to need some time to cool down. I'm the kind of person, who wants everything to get better right away, but I'm trying to understand it doesn't always work that way. I just don't want her to be angry at me anymore. I'm very sorry upset her and let her think that I was taking it all out on her (which I wasn't), but I won't beg her for forgiveness, when I don't think asking for what you need is wrong.

And you have some new writing up, don't you? I'll try to catch up this coming week! ^_^ It will be a good distraction, and maybe it will get me back to my own writing. I seem to be having really bad weeks and really good weeks, when it comes to writing. Nothing in between. Haha. I just want to pull out of this drama and get back to my passion.
therentyoupay
Oct. 8th, 2012 04:57 pm (UTC)
I agree completely. I think that's just something that she has to come to terms with as well, and I hope that she'll soon be able to pick up on some resources that will help her help you with the kind of support that you need.

And yes! Tahnorra Week was at the very end of September. :) I wasn't able to post all of my contributions on time because I've been so busy, but I'll hopefully be able to get them up soon. And I can't wait to read what else you're cooking up! :)
fireflys_locket
Oct. 8th, 2012 07:16 pm (UTC)
Your stories are great. You know, I've been thinking I would love to share a bit of my novels with you some time. I don't know if you'd be interested or have time, but I think I would really enjoy having your input. I'm still in the handwriting stage with everything, and if you'd rather wait for me to start the typing stage, that's cool. I have scanned handwriting pages for friends in the past, if you want to read my messy handwriting, though. Haha.
therentyoupay
Oct. 17th, 2012 12:01 am (UTC)
Thanks. :) And I would really, really love to see them! I may not be able to delve into them for a little while yet because I am so, so busy with my student teaching, but I would love to read them sometime before xmas if you'd be okay with that. Handwritten or typed, it's all good to me. :)
fireflys_locket
Oct. 17th, 2012 12:41 am (UTC)
Ehehe. I'm so excited! I probably won't be typing stuff up until next year, but I have some scans of two stories I can share with you. My writing is a little messy, but - by all accounts - totally readable.

I'll need a private place to send you the info and where we can talk back and forth over what you think, so let me know where you'd like to talk about the stories. I'm not that crazy about the PM system on here, so it would be great if I could contact you by email or Facebook messages or something like that. Whatever is most convenient/comfortable for you. My email is on my profile page if you don't want to post your info where others can see.

And if the LJ PM system is the only thing you want to use, I'll learn to live with it. :P
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