Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

Pressure and Panic

Things have gotten really bad. For a long time now, I've been stuggling through - time and time again - when I post something sad on Facebook, everyone tries to fix me or talk me out of it. The pressure has been colossal. Meanwhile, I've been screaming for someone to give me the support I need. I have Jill and my Mom, but I don't have friends who have the time for me. There aren't many people who even find the time to answer my messages. And moreover, they mostly don't understand what I'm going through.

It was for this reason that Jill mentioned at the end of my session trying to create an online group for what she was calling "eeyore"-type people. Just the idea of being in charge of a group and trying to search out people to join was enough to make me sick. I mentioned my stress in a status, which resulted in a friend trying to talk me into making the group. I tried to tell her I couldn't handle it and that I didn't even want it. I just wanted someone to talk to one-on-one. But she wouldn't stop until she got frustrated with me for rejecting her ideas. But I was never asking for help in the first place. I rarely am. Mostly, I just post stuff in a status to get out what I'm feeling. Asking only for someone to listen.

Finally, I had to write up the post of been thinking about for months:

"Okay, I want to say first of all that this is not coming from an angry or mean place. Please don’t read it that way. This is coming from a place of desperation from needing support, but not getting the support that’s right for me. I know that people are trying to help me by making suggestions, and they get frustrated when I reject their ideas. But here are some things about me… When I need help, I’ll ask for it directly. Most of the posts I make are statements about what’s going on with me at the time. I’m not asking for someone to fix things. I’m asking for someone to listen. Maybe offer a distraction as opposed to a fix. Also, when I say something like “I can’t” or “I don’t want to”, I mean it. Honestly. I know a lot of people say things like that, wanting someone to talk them into it. That’s not me. I’m a direct person. I say what I feel, and I mean what I say. That’s how I work. When people are suggesting things that would be hard for me (especially social things), I end up visualizing it and feeling panic almost as bad as if it was actually happening. So, I feel like I have to shut down that idea absolutely, so that it will stop hurting me. I know that is not the intention, but that is how I feel. I have Panic Disorder, and I am prone to panicking. I’ve included a link my Mom found to a site talking about how to support people with Panic Disorder, and I relate to a lot of what is being said. Maybe taking a look will help you understand a little better."

After I posted that, my friend sent me a message on how she was angry that I would ask her to treat me differently. That my sickness was in my head, and it was my fault I was so miserable. But that's not true. Emotional pain is real, as real as any disease. And there's nothing wrong with asking for what you need, whether you have an emotional disorder or not. Any person who is trying to get someone to stop pushing them should be respected. I'm not asking for anything but caring and respect.

I'm very sick. I feel like I'm alone and always will be. Right now, I feel like Morgan can't exist because he's too good to be true. No one can give me that kind of love and understanding and actually be there for me. I can't even find a friend to do that, so how can I find someone like that who'd actually want me romantically? I just need that person so badly. One day, Jill will retire, and my Mom will be gone. And I will be hopelessly alone. I can't make it through that.
Tags: anxiety, friends

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