Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

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Pushing yourself is not the answer...

...for everyone.

But let's cut right to it. I totally disconnected from my creative energy this week. I could explain exactly why, but it's really kind of silly. I'll just jump to simply saying that I wrapped up the idea of finding Morgan with completing and self-publishing a book so tightly that I ended up being crushed under the pressure of it all. And it hurt. Ouch.

The truth of it is that I'm torn. There's a part of me that wants to know exactly how I'm going to find him, so I can make it happen more quickly... but if it was tied to something I had to accomplish - especially something as big as this - the pressure would just break me. Because I'm going to be frank with you: I do not work well with pressure. Some people flourish when they push themselves. I know this. But it isn't the way it works for me. In fact, I'm starting to understand that the exact opposite is true for me.

I'll give you an example. Let's say, I'm not feeling much like writing, but I hadn't gotten much done that week. If I pressured myself by saying I had to get a whole chapter done, then forced myself to do that, I'd end up hating what I'd written regardless of how good it actually was. Or maybe I'd just get frustrated part way through and quit. Or if it was a part I knew I was struggling with, I might just put it off without even trying for way too long.

But if I tell myself I only have to try to write for a short period of time with no pressure, I usually end up doing much more than what I tell myself I have to try. And even if I don't get a whole chapter done, I make some progress instead of procrastinating, and I feel better about what I've written, too. That's how it works for me.

That's kind of an important thing to learn. How you work. How you do your best. Not what someone else expects of you, or how it works for them. It's not a bad idea to try suggestions, if you haven't found your way yet - or even if you want to try something new. But don't feel like you have to do what everyone else says.

Anyways, back to my issue. Jill mostly talked me out of the conclusions I'd jumped to by the end of my session yesterday, but I'm still feeling a little wounded from the weight of the pressure I'd talked myself into. It might still take me a few days to get back to writing, but I know it will happen. And I'll be back on track to finishing and publishing books. Because that's how it's meant to be.

As for finding Morgan... well, that's harder. Supposedly, I'm heading down the right path already. That's what Jill thinks. And I really just need to keep watching this video on how to handle things that are out of your control. And usually, I'm pretty good at letting the little things come together on their own... but this is my most important goal in life: finding my soulmate. I know somewhere that the only important thing is that finding Morgan actually happens, not having to know exactly how or when. The problem for me is that I seem to not be able to let go of the details, because it makes me feel like it's never going to happen. And that is an outcome I honestly cannot live with. I can't help but obsess about the future, because I won't know that I'm really truly going to find him until I do. And until I know I'm going to find him, I can't really focus on the present, because nothing I do now matters to me unless he exists.
Tags: anxiety, morgan, writing

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