Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

When writing feels right...

...good things will follow?

Sometimes, things really do start to come together, and you are given a look into what the future could be like. But how you react to this glimpse is all up to you. I have the tendency to get anxious even over good things. My reasoning is mostly that I know how to handle things going wrong - or I should say, continuing in the unhappy way they always have been. I don't know how to deal with happiness or things going right, because it just doesn't happen to me.

Or do I somehow chase it away?

I happened to talk to the lady who owns the little office supply/discount bookstore now at our mall. (And let me throw in here that last time I was at this book store, I found a signed copy of a book I had just seen a quote from the night before. What synchronicity!This place is starting to feel magical to me...) She happened to hear me remark that I wished I was as good at reading books as I was at buying them. I mean, I could honestly not buy another book for 10 years and still not run out of new things to read! Anyhow, when she said the same was true for her, I ended up telling her how I spend half my time writing books, not reading them. Basically, they seem to complete for the same section of my attention.

She got really excited, as I told her just a little about the kind of books I'm writing and said that I could have some kind of event there once I was published. She even said that maybe they could carry my books. Wow. Pretty crazy, right? Now, of course, things could change any number of ways between now and when I finish Dreaming in Shadow. But still, it's a great possibility. I was really excited.

And then, I panicked. I started thinking that I'll never finish Dreaming in Shadow. By that, I mean that it will never be "done". Once I finish a typed copy, how will I find an editor that I trust? And an illustrator? And figure out how to self-publish? I've said this many times, but everything beyond writing, I have absolutely no clue of. And ever since I calmed down over how I would feel ending the story, this has been my main worry. It's actually also getting in the way of my wanting to write. (Dreaming in Shadow, at least...) But I don't really feel ready to start trying to figure these things out either, because I worry it's just going to stress me out even more. I'm so torn. :/

But I'll tell you what... I'm trying to stay focused and positive. I want to be able to trust that good things are on the way. Writing has been generally feeling pretty natural lately. I'm writing more in little chucks at night, after building up my inspiration during the day. I've been feeling passionate about the whole process and trying to stay in the moment of each part. Though... I'll admit, pausing a movie to write is not an unwelcome (or uncommon) thing!
Tags: anxiety, dreaming in shadow, writing

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