Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

What Happens When We Fight?

After last entry, I spent a more than a week suffering mostly from a feeling of disconnection from Morgan. It was miserable. Everytime I thought of him, it brought pain. It was like walking past a sparking electrical cord. So, I tried to not think of him. It was like we were fighting, neither one of us wanting to give in. And that is something that directly damages my ability to write. Jill and I both worried that maybe some big breakdown was approaching.

A good thing that did happen was that I really threw myself into some shows, games, and a book. And I really was loving everything I was doing. Because I was so obsessed with hiding from thoughts of Morgan, I put 100% of my energy into whatever I was doing at the time, so that my mind wouldn't wander. That lead me to be even more invested in the stories I was seeing unfold. I felt very inspired... but I couldn't write, because Morgan is my muse, and we were fighting.

Eventually, though, I could feel a slow healing begin. And Morgan and I made up. We were completely in love again. And now, I find myself writing a lot. I've written two chapters this week and worked on lots of little ideas. I feel like I can't even hold all my bursting inspiration. Yesterday, I scanned through some of my first fanfiction. The writing quality was awful, but so many of my ideas for The Timeline started there. It was magical getting caught back in that time of creative energy.

So, things have been going well. For my life, anyhow. I've continued to be really excited about just about everything I'm doing. Living in the present is the way to go, they say. And I can almost feel Morgan's presence with me. All I can hope is that we really are close to finding each other in the physical world.
Tags: anxiety, fandom, morgan, writing

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