Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

What if I fall? What if I don't?

March is a complicated month for me. It's the month I fell in love. The month I left school. The month my Grandma went into the hospital. It's a month of changes and reflection. A month of breaking apart. And I have been.

I've always thought that the places I go on the internet - this journal in particular - would be like a beacon to my soulmate. Something calling him to me. But I've begun to wonder if everyone having their own blogs and Facebooks and everything has created too much noise for any one person to be heard. I feel like there are lots of people screaming out their pain, but no one is listening. Just because like-minded people aren't finding their way to each other so as to make a connection.

These thoughts were building and exploded when I finally finished reading the first Rehearsal book on Wednesday. I was crashing; that was what I used to call panic attacks before I knew what they were. And that's what it felt like, too... like I was being sucked back to March 2005, when I was breaking, crashing so absolutely.

When I went in to therapy on Thursday, I was feeling a tiny bit more stable - mostly just depressed and exhausted. But I just felt like it was going to be one of those more rare sessions, where I come out feeling worse instead of better. But what Jill thought of when I told her about worrying that Morgan won't find me in all the noise, I wasn't expecting. She thought I should join a vegetarian dating site. I was terrified.

My fears were acute. And conflicting. Of course, I worried that no one would talk to me. That it would just be another place I wasn't finding any sort of connection. But I also worried that my Hachi, my Lover archetype, was going to lose it. Any time that I've felt myself losing control of Hachi the last few years, I've reminded myself that the person wasn't a vegetarian. It was my safety net. Too important to me to compromise on. But on this site, everyone would be a vegetarian. Where was my escape, then?

Jill described it as the fear of failure and the fear of success. But it's not exactly success I fear. Not real success: finding my soulmate. It's the fear of finding someone close enough to my soulmate, that I get confused or tricked. And if I did fall in love, thinking I'd found my Morgan, and that person really let me down, I'd be totally devastated.

Going in, I only have two ways of thinking... I'll either be falling in love all over the place, or I'll be so careful that I won't talk to anyone. The second one being the more likely. Truly, I do fall in love easily, but I don't trust easily. At all. I worry that even if I did meet my soulmate, I'd never believe it was him. I'd never be able to trust him to be real. How can I ever trust that someone would love me, me with all their heart and soul? I can't. That's next to impossible, isn't it?

Well, I joined a site, worked hard on a profile, and looked around a bit. Mostly, everyone sounded so very different from me. The fear that I would be falling in love with anyone, who was a vegetarian, was totally off. Which is good, of course. But as I kept looking and looking, I just felt so weird and messed up. No one was talking about anything like what I go through. And they want emotionally-stable, independant, and decently figured women. Well, I'm none of those. And I never will be.

Times like this make me wonder if I'm just not meant to be happy.
Tags: anxiety, books, morgan, vegetarian

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