Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford
fireflys_locket

Pressures and Obsessions

For some people, pushing themselves helps them to succeed. I've really never found this to be the case for me. Sure, a little pushing can yield a good result. Occasionally. But after pushing myself to write everyday in November, I came crashing down. I forced myself to write a special chapter on the night before Christmas, but other than that, I didn't get much else done in December. I was writing a lot of journal entries, but once I finished the theme I was following, I even stalled on that.

Here's what I have been doing. Yeah. I learned out how to make .gifs and just started getting crazy with it. Then, I made the very bright or very stupid decision to make some .gifs from A Walk to Remember, which is probably my favorite movie but I never watch it because it makes me cry so hard. I was just going to watch a few scenes... then, I was watching the whole thing. At the end, I found myself newly obsessed. And extremely depressed. But also, feeling the need to write. I watched it again the next day, made more .gifs, and put it away. Then, what happens the day after? I left ABC Family on after watching a movie, and eventually, A Walk to Remember comes on. At that point, I realized there must be some reason for this movie to be on my mind right now.

Or for me to be emotionally unstable. Because I'm also back to reading this book. I find myself able to read less and less at a time, as the couple keeps getting closer and closer. There's a part of me that wants to like them together, because they seem truly in love with each other, and I adore both of the characters. But instead, I find myself getting ill, like I was about to sleep with someone I didn't love. That's really the best way I can describe it. I have a problem, I know. :/

Last week, while dealing with all these emotions and a family upset, I ended up playing a lot of Sims 2. Like way too much. Pretty much the amount I played in the weeks back in 2005, when I first left school and I was too depressed to do anything else. But I think by taking things slowly, with little to no pressure, I recovered. Then, Friday, I took the small bits of emotional writing I did over the couple of weeks and rewrote them in a better chapter. And I felt centered. Finally, I actually enjoyed writing again.

So, maybe I got a lot done in November, but I honestly think it was too much pressure for me. It took this long to enjoy writing again. Not to mention the emotions that had to get stirred up. But that's how it usually goes for me. If I have a writing crisis, it takes my emotions needing the release to make writing feel natural again. Because that's what it's supposed to be for me: a lovely, natural need. Like breathing.
Tags: anxiety, books, fandom, movies, the sims, video games, writing
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