Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

Ego's Backlash

When I wrote my entry yesterday, I felt pretty positive and well-aligned. That didn't last long at all. Before I knew it, I was feeling all caught back up in negative thoughts. "You can't find your soulmate just by sending out positive vibrations," says Vanessa the ego. "Besides, we're talking about you. There's no way you can keep up this positive energy thing, so you might as well give up now." And by the end of the day, I felt just as awful as usual. Nighttime is usually the perfect time for dark things to come after me, and I'm left wondering "Why did I feel good at all today?".

Luckily, this chapter of Add More ~ing is talking about how you must keep working harder even when you get to good place, because the ego isn't just resting all this time: it's getting stronger, too. I think that's something that people fail to realize, and it has a lot to do with how I feel when people use the phase "get better". Emotional issues aren't a cold or the flu or even a form of treatable cancer. You don't really "get better" as in everything's better now. Maybe you find help through therapy, meditation, or the right medication, but that doesn't mean you're cured. Most emotional issues are a daily struggle, and the best you can do is use the tools that work for you to do your best each day.

The same goes with fighting your ego or negative thoughts. The ego isn't a demon you slay and then it's gone. (Forgive me, I've been watching too much Buffy and Angel lately.) The ego is something you're stuck with your whole life. Sounds disheartening, doesn't it? Well, that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. For me, I've made a lot of progress over the years in "befriending" my dark side, but not really in asserting any control over that darkness. Instead of being a monster that controlled me completely, Vanessa is now like that bad friend whose advice you listen to even when you know you shouldn't. It's an improvement, but it still means she has a strong influence over me.

After reading this chapter, I am feeling a bit better again, but I won't be surprised when Vanessa tries to pull me in again. Truth is, she's terrified, because the more light I bring into my life, the less room there is for her. No wonder she tries to sabotage my finding Morgan, my brightest light. It all makes so much sense, Gabby.
Tags: anxiety, books, morgan, spirituality, vanessa

  • Like Magic

    For the past four months, I've been chasing how writing felt before I was an author. How it felt when I was young and years away from publishing.…

  • 2021 Intentions

    Ah, the beginning of a new year. A great time to decide on goals and resolutions. To figure out where you are heading for the next twelve months.…

  • Grieving and Healing

    The grieving is huge. I've had several intense sobbing panic attacks. Losing a fur baby soulmate is devastating. I cried out to my Mom in the…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.