Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

Rules and Balance

So, maybe I just can't cross out some of my negative thoughts. Maybe not even most of them. I'm still reading Gabrielle Bernstein's book, and I will get something out of it. The chapter I read today was about finding balance and serenity. That's good. Nothing about this chapter scares me by feeling impossible. Okay, maybe the jumping on a trampoline part, but that's not required.

People could say that I'm an idealistic dreamer, a right-brained person. In a lot of ways, this is true, but I also have a part of me that adheres to the left-brain in an extreme way. I'm totally OCD. What, you've seen my room, and you disagree? Why, yes, there is a pile of stuff that's as long, tall, and wide as my bed on one side of my room. No, I'm not kidding. No, I'm not exaggerating. I've got some hoarder tendencies; I won't deny that. But it all ties partly into my OCD. Let me clarify to those who aren't familiar, OCD is not all about washing your hands obsessively. It can be any behaviour that is obsessive. And while to an outsider - meaning anyone not in my head, basically - my room seems like the room of someone who doesn't care where stuff goes, let me assure you, I care.

When my Mom used to clean my room, I would totally freak out and "mess" it back up. It was that way for a reason, and it drove me crazy that things weren't where I wanted them. Part of it was my not liking too much open space. I like to feel like I'm in a safe little nest of my stuff. (Creepy-sounding? Sorry.) When we put in my bookshelf and DVD cabinet, as soon as I cleared the space for them, they had to go in right away. And I adapted everything to the change in the environment.

Basically, I have all these little rules for just about everything I do... ever. I have a 5-page Word document to keep track of all sorts of little things, though if someone else looked at it, it would be almost complete nonsense to them. I would not know how to live or what to do if I didn't have my rules. In fact, I wonder how people make day-to-day decisions without some set of rules like mine. I'd probably waste my whole day trying to make one decision on what to do.

At times, these rules do get in my way, but if I find as I go on that a set of rules is no really working for me anymore, I do try to fix it... though I usually resist a big change until I absolutely have to sort things out. I very rarely let myself - or my right-brain, if you will - make a choice of what to do. In fact, when my rules do line up with something I really, really want to do, I often end up second-guessing the rule and going over my whole day to make sure I didn't make a mistake. Sometimes, several times. I guess just I'm scared that if I set free my right-brain desires, it would get out of control, and I'd end up spending my whole week playing Sims 2 and not getting anything else done.

Of course, what I need is balance. I have no idea how to go about getting that, but hey, if standing on one foot for awhile will help, that's not so bad, I guess. As long as I don't actually have to do that in front of a mirror. I don't do things in front of mirrors, Gabby.
Tags: anxiety, books, spirituality

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