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What is a best friend, anyhow?

I'm watching the christmas concerts again. God, I feel sick. It's this weakness that I remember. Aching for people to care about me. Things haven't changed much. I do have friends now... but sometimes, it's hard to remember that. They have lives. Busy, real lives. I'm lucky to be even the smallest part of them. But that's really all I have. Am I really supposed to be happy with that?

I always wanted a real best friend. Someone, who'd always be there for you. Someone you'd do everything with. Share secrets with. Put each other first. Many of my closest friends have called me their "best friend". And maybe that's really what they felt. I know my friends love me. It isn't that I don't feel that. I guess I just don't feel loved enough. I don't feel like any of my friends could love me enough. It isn't their fault.

But that's why I need Morgan. Maybe you think it's foolish to wait on a prince to save you? That you should learn to save yourself. After all these years of protecting myself, I think I would have learned how to save myself if I could. I expect a lot out of Morgan, yes. Because I can give a lot. All I am asking for is one person in the whole wide world of 7 billion people, who can love me as deeply and completely as I love them. One person, who understands what I stand for and is more than willing to stand beside me. My soulmate. My twin flame. My everything. And I want to save him, too. To be the one person, who understands him better than anyone else. Who's always been waiting for him. Who loves him endlessly... no matter what he looks like, where he comes from, or how much money he has.

I'm willing to wait forever for this wonderful, amazing love. But oh, Dear God... please, don't make me.

And I won't pretend it will be effortless and easy. No, I know that, with me, everything will be difficult. If I didn't know that before, writing the last couple of Spun of Silver chapters has surely shown me. Even when I imagine Morgan, knowing it is him, I still find it hard to trust him. After all the years of being called ugly, disgusting, and other terrible, worse things by the guys that I loved with all my heart, not to mention the rest of my peers, how could I ever believe that someone would actually want to be with me. Me... with all my terrible physical flaws and emotional issues. How could anyone see this person and want her? And even if they did, how could I ever believe that?



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 22nd, 2011 04:33 am (UTC)
I know it's been a few days since this post, but I really hope you're feeling a bit better now. :/
Nov. 22nd, 2011 05:24 am (UTC)
I've really felt awful and pretty hopeless. I've been aching so badly for the past that I hated so much. To go back to something real. I've also been dreaming about the past, and dreams really influence me. Good and bad. These dreams are bittersweet. The past few days, I honestly felt more like I wanted to live in my dreams than reality. And that hurt so much.

Today, for some unknown reason, I felt pretty good (for me). Wrote about 5 pages. I'm not sure what is going on with me. Being depressed is not rare in the slightest, but I've opened something up in me recently. Now, I have to just work through it.

What I want is to feel like the future is more promising than the past, but the future has no guarantees, and that terrifies me. It's hard for me to see a better future than what I have being around the corner. I see a lot more of this. I want more than this.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )