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Would it ache less inside?

When I was in grade school, I was hurt a lot by my peers. Bullied nearly every day. They seemed to sense I was vulnerable. School was totally miserable. So, why do I miss it so much? Why do I wish I could go back to those times? Why do these memories make me ache with longing?

The school I went to had Christmas concerts every year. The students would line up at the church to sing our little Christmas songs. I loved it. I loved everything that made me feel a part of the group without singling me out. I watched the tapes of two of these concerts today, while transferring them to a DVD. And I cried. Of course, I cried.

I wish my timeturner worked.

Only why on Earth would I want to go back to that torture? My own therapist said she wouldn't relive her childhood for any money. What's wrong with me? Am I really so miserable now that going back would be better? Or do I just see my future as endless more of this? It's not that this is really so bad, but is this all there is? Because it's not enough. At least back then, I had real memories. Real experiences. Now, I mostly just live in books and movies and games. Too little of my life is actually real.

I wish I could be a part of something real, but I'm too broken and weak. I wish I could be a teacher at my old school, or what's left of it. It's not that I'd want that over being a writer. And as things are, I'm free to write with my full attention. But I'm so miserable sometimes that I can't even bring myself to do the thing I love so much. Most people would probably think I'm lucky to not have to work. That I shouldn't whine about getting to be lazy all day. But what if all you had was your broken self and your painful memories to haunt you all day?

I know I'm meant to be doing what I'm doing if for no other reason than it is all I have. I wasn't meant to go to college. To be a teacher. To be "normal". I was meant to write with all I have. And I'm doing more of that lately than I have in a long time. But I'm still lonely and unhappy. Left wondering if I could ever really be part of something again. Even if it was just the illusion it was back then.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 8th, 2011 02:52 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry. :/ I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I wouldn't know where to begin. I know that this journal is mostly a place for you to express your thoughts for your own personal sake, but I still wish there was something that could be done to make you feel a little less burdened by what's happened to you.

I'm curious though. Do you think your past is what majorly pulled you into your love of writing? Or was your passion for reading and writing always there? I guess what I'm really wondering is how much you think what's happened to you has strengthened your creative abilities.
Nov. 8th, 2011 03:39 am (UTC)
Thank you, Dear. Writing things out is part of how I cope, which I think you understand. You're already doing so much just by commenting as you have. This is a journal mostly for me, but it's nice to know I can be heard. I don't get to talk with people very often. Most of

I was about 10-years-old when I started writing, but I have been making up stories all my life. I started writing because I was miserable, and I needed an escape. I didn't have any friends at school, so I made up a world, where I was important and special. Writing and Harry Potter in general were my sanctuary. I poured all my emotions into writing.

So, yes, my experience has been my inspiration. My writing is filled with a lot of depression and intense feelings. It's funny that my greatest weakness - my extreme sensitivity - is also my greatest strength. I wouldn't be able to write the way I do without it and the experiences that came with it.
Nov. 9th, 2011 03:48 am (UTC)
I have another question, but please don't feel pressured to answer... Do you ever find yourself writing about the actual experiences you've had?
Nov. 9th, 2011 04:26 am (UTC)
Oh, definitely. When I felt the most isolated and alone, I wrote my story about Lily Evans, which had a lot of my real experiences in the beginning. I was basically writing that to get my emotions out from those things. I made Lily always feel rejected and alone. Teased because she was different from the normal kids. Then, she gets to Hogwarts and she feels like she belongs.

Something that I'm writng now is a long series that's central to my universe (all my stories are connected), which is based off of the world I created in my head when I was nine, just for me. To get me through things. Everything that happened to me became a part of that world... just sprinkled with magic and imaginary friends, to make up for what I was lacking in reality.

This story served me all through my school years and on. day after day. I finally realized it needed to be written. It needed to change from my private fantasy to something real. Well, more real. The time had come to plan out and end the main storyline. And when the time passed, I totally fell to pieces, starting a Summer of panic and despair.

Sorry if I got off topic a bit, but yes, writing about my real experiences has been a vital part of my stories.
Nov. 11th, 2011 06:12 am (UTC)
What a lovely parallel. Where is your fanfiction usually listed? Or your origial fiction, for that matter? Did you ever find yourself relating to Hermione at all, too?
Nov. 11th, 2011 03:25 pm (UTC)
I keep a list of my story links here. I don't actually post most of my original writing anymore, because I want to publish it. But if we get to know each other better, I may decide to show you my some of my novels in progress.

Unfortunately, I've taken a lot of my early work down for multiple reasons. Some of it, I will be using for my original novels, minus the HP characters, of course. Some of it, is just awful. I do keep thinking about rewriting my Lily story and making it closer to canon. I sort of have the plot laid out in my mind, but I never get around to it. I'm so much more focused on my novels now.

What I do have up still is my Draco/Hermione story, Hate You, Hate Me. I was originally posting it between late 2003 and early 2005, then, I had a huge breakdown that caused me to drop out of school. Since then, I've gone back and rewritten all the existing chapters. Slowly. I'm only now working on the first totally new chapter in 6 and a half years. And I'm having a hard time, too. ^_^;

I definitely relate to Hermione a lot. Early on, I mostly wrote and read Harry/Hermione. As I got older, I found myself more drawn to Draco/Hermione. It had a lot to do with the guys I was interested in at the time, I think. But Hermione certainly means a lot to me. I know how it fels to be left out, and I was very bossy about schoolwork and rules when I was younger. I just was never quite as naturally smart as she is.

Sorry if I always type so much! ^_^;
Nov. 15th, 2011 06:11 am (UTC)
Ahah, stop, I don't mind at all! It's nice to get a more thorough understanding, I promise.

What I do have up still is my Draco/Hermione story, Hate You, Hate Me. I was originally posting it between late 2003 and early 2005, then, I had a huge breakdown that caused me to drop out of school. Since then, I've gone back and rewritten all the existing chapters. Slowly. I'm only now working on the first totally new chapter in 6 and a half years. And I'm having a hard time, too. ^_^;

I completely understand. My first ever multi-chaptered fic, an alternate universe story that captures the essence of Disney's Beauty & the Beast with a DracoxHermione twist, was first published on fanfiction.net in August of 2004... and then abandoned in 2005. In October of 2010, a reviewer--totally out of the blue--begged to have the story completed, and since then, eleven chapters have been updated. I can totally relate to bringing a story back up out of the vault, so to speak. :P If you ever want somebody to use as a springboard for ideas, please feel free to use me as a resource!
Nov. 15th, 2011 06:11 am (UTC)
Your quote was supposed to be blockquoted. :P Oh, well.
Nov. 15th, 2011 03:59 pm (UTC)
Oh, thanks very much. The main plot of Hate You, Hate Me is all laid out in this one-shot letter I wrote. HYHM is the story behind the letter. So, it's not that I need ideas out of nowhere... I just need to expand upon what I've already written.

I'm just having a bit of a hard time with technical things this chapter. Hermione has a miscarriage (not really a spoiler, since that is mentioned in the letter), and I don't really know how that sort of thing works, I guess. I'm not planning on showing much of anything, but still... I just don't feel like I know what I'm doing. I'm also having a hard time reconnecting with Draco. I used to relate so much to his pain, but in this chapter... it's more about guilt. And while, I've felt guilty for things before, of course, they weren't to this level at all.
Nov. 15th, 2011 05:27 pm (UTC)
Ahh, I gotcha... Definitely a challenge there. I can't offer up much help in that respect either, but I wish you luck!
Nov. 15th, 2011 07:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks. ^_^
Nov. 15th, 2011 04:27 pm (UTC)
Oh, also... where can I find your writing? I just finished a fic yesterday, so I'm looking for something new to read. ^_^
Nov. 15th, 2011 05:33 pm (UTC)
Oh man! Feel free to take a look. :) I only have two Dramione stories, one of which is a one-shot, but I would love for you to check them out!

Summer Haze. ONE-SHOT.
summary: Hermione's first trip to Paris isn't what she thought it'd be. DHr. Written for the 2006 dmhgficexchange at LiveJournal, Hot Summer Nights. Nominated for Best Kiss.
rated: T
genre: Drama/Romance
word count: 4,727

Monstrosity. MULTI-CHAPTER.
summary: IP. An alternate universe story that captures the essence of Disney's Beauty & the Beast, but with a purely Dramione twist.
rated: T
genre: Drama/Romance
current word count: 129,654 (17 chapters)

If you choose to start Monstrosity, I beg you not to find yourself completely turned off to the story by the first five or so chapters... you may, however, feel free to judge as I said, those original chapters were written many, many moons ago (I was 14!) and my writing style has greatly improved since. :o
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )