Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

This drama... exhausting.

I guess I could explain my week by saying I was in a dumpster. Literally. There were some ups to balance the downs but not many.

Basically, it started when my Aunt decided to sell whatever was left in my Grandma's house to this guy for $600. Jan has been wanting to pay people to come in and help for weeks, because she was exhausted and tired of cleaning. To her, this was a blessing: for some one to pay her to get things out of the house. But she was so desperate to be done with everything that she didn't really think of anyone else.

See, we hadn't actually gone through everything. Which was my goal. I didn't want to accidently miss something that might be important to keep. And maybe there wasn't anything else, but I wanted to actually know that. To feel sure.

So, meanwhile, I had no idea about this deal and was relieved to hear that my Dad was finally going to show up to get his stuff. When I called my Mom to let her know we'd be going down to Grandma's, she stopped me. She said we couldn't get anything else out of the house until the guy picked up whatever he wanted. This deal no one had bothered to tell me about. I was upset. Not just with Jan, but with my mother for not thinking before she agreed to the deal. There was at least one thing I still wanted, that she wouldn't let me bring with us the night before, these lovely pink dessert dishes. Now, they were stuck as part of the deal.

And then, I also knew my Dad was going to be furious. And I was going to have to deal with it. Let's just make it clear: because of my Dad's obsessive spending and gambling he was unable to pay his bills to the point that he had no internet, cable, long distance, or gas last month. And he had years to get his stuff out of my Grandma's house. I couldn't count all the Springs I said we should make an effort that Summer. However, he did help us a lot when we first started to clean out the house. So, I did feel bad that when he finally got himself together, I had to give him the bad news. He yelled at me, as I knew he would. But it still hurt, because I had nothing to do with the agreement. In fact, I was angry, too! ~_~;

Anyways, after several phones calls between the parties, things calmed down... sort of. But when my Mom got home she also let me know that the bags of recycling we had spent hours getting together the night before were thrown into the dumpster we rented at my Grandma's house, because Jan said they were "in the way". If you didn't know, I'm pretty serious about recycling. So, yes... I jumped into the dumpster to pull them out. Lucky, I had a good session of therapy that night. But I still went to bed fuming.

The next day, however, after another unhappy phone call from my Dad, my Mom went to the house and made an agreement to buy back the items my Dad wanted. And Jan did get back the pretty pink dessert dishes, as I asked her to. So... all's well that ends well? Except I'm still kind of hurt that Jan didn't think to ask me if there was anything else I wanted to do there. And when she called me yesterday, I explained that to her, in a calm sort of way. Because I don't think it would have helped anyone for me to hold it back. I told her I thought everyone had a valid point in the situation, but everyone was so focused on their own feelings that we hurt each other. She said that was a considerate way to think of things. But she also said that everyone always blames her for "doing the right thing".

Because my Aunt... and I won't said that I'm not at all like her, because I am in a lot of ways... always needs to be the victim. Always. She never feels loved enough. She always feels that she is blamed for everything. I am so thankful for the time we have spent in these last few months. It's been special, and we really needed each other. But this is something I knew would come up again.

So, things have been stressful and anxious, but now, I'm mostly depressed. Cleaning Grandma's house was part of my process. Now, I feel cut short of my mission. I just feel like shrinking away and disappearing into a story. Let the real world fade away for awhile. And yet... what I really want is for my real life to be beautiful and feel worth-while. I want to be happy. Truly happy. At least some of the time.

And as always... I just really want Morgan to hold me. Photobucket
Tags: anxiety, family, rant

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