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Death and Spirituality

There shouldn't be any expectation of things being easy. But when I start to fall apart, even with a good reason, it gets a little scary. Especially at this time of year. Why is this time of year such a curse?

Honestly, I still am probably doing pretty well. I had one hard night before the viewing. I was up until about 1. The viewing, itself, was fine. The body didn't even look like her. Grandma's spirit was gone. So, looking at her wasn't really sad or scary. When people started coming in, I hid out in the video room where the slideshow that Jim and I made was playing. Family and friends of my Mom came to hug me. Some of them stayed by me for awhile. It was almost nice.

I had some issues with the funeral. And maybe I should have seen it coming. But it felt so meaningless to me. I didn't realize how far I've gotten from the Catholic traditions. I mean, when I heard Jan and other members of the family talking about how Grandma was safe and happy in Heaven, that was fine. I do believe in those things. But the Funeral Mass... even though, I could remember the steps from all my years at Catholic school, they didn't mean anything to me anymore. It probably didn't help when Uncle Jim in his speech talked about Grandma doing her job by raising God-fearing children. I hate that word. You're supposed to love God and know He loves you. Fear and love don't go well together, in my opinion. You should respect Him. Trust in Him. But fear? You're supposed to fear bad things, not good ones. That's just how I feel.

Anyways, it was weird to hear relatives talk about how beautiful the funeral was when it felt so empty for me. Sure, the church was beautiful. I still love churches - lighting candles, looking at the statues, and feeling a quiet presence. But the prayers and traditions didn't mean much to me. I'm sure it was what Grandma wanted, though. That's all that matters. And when I talked to Jill about it, I felt better. Now, I know even a little bit more about myself, I guess. I really did expect to connect a little more to the Funeral Mass. I guess that's just not something I need now. I feel like I have my own close connection to God. I don't need all those extras anymore.

My second hard night came after the company left. I convinced John and Denise to stay another night, so we could throw Ethan a birthday party. I think everyone had a good time, even though we didn't end up going to Olympic Fun Center (They wouldn't let us bring in food - ugh!). But once Ethan was gone, I knew I'd be miserable. He kept me busy and happy. They left early Thursday morning. I spent the afternoon with Jan and Paul helping to organize their house mostly to keep myself occupied. Then, I had therapy. But once I got home, I started feeling sick. I ended up crying until 1AM again.

Yesterday, I spent all day out with my Mom. We got our hair done and went to Borders. I spent so much money, but I hadn't been to the big store in over a year. I came home exhausted and overstimulated. I thought I was going to have another bad night, but I managed to avoid it, somehow. I guess it's hard to know what to expect in the coming months. Another horrible Summer? Jan told me we won't let it happen. I just... don't know.


May. 24th, 2011 02:13 pm (UTC)
Yes, it does sound like we share similar beliefs. It's nice to not feel completely alone in that. I do, sometimes, since I'm somewhere in between. I definitely believe there's a force that is taking care of us, and I usually call this force God. And I probably believe about 75% of what I was taught in Catholic School. I just don't like the way they exclude certain types of people and things like that.

Something I learned in high school was that they are so focused on married couples having babies, which... is just not something I feel called to. Just because I want to find my soulmate doesn't mean I want a family. (Not to mention that I care more about a spirtual connection with my soulmate on our deepest beliefs than their gender.) I always found the Mass stuff scary, too, as I have major Social Anxiety. I'd much rather talk to God alone - which I do everyday.

My therapist always tries to comfort me in these situations. "You're not religious; you're spiritual." Because I have become more and more detached from anything organized. I believe very strongly in what I believe. And that's enough for me.

I do believe Grandma is safe and happy in a better place. I have no doubts on that. I'm just feeling sad for me, now. I didn't really let myself do that while she was alive, because I knew she was ready.

Thank you. <3 Sorry if I babbled too much. It's hard to find people to relate to on this.
May. 25th, 2011 11:44 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the whole organized religion thing really turned me away from Catholicism. Too much politics and discrimination for a religion that preaches love and openness. I'm definitely spiritual too, instead of focusing on one religion's beliefs. I basically believe in being a good person in this life, and that's really all I need right now.

I actually started thinking of myself as Agnostic, I guess because I didn't believe in God as my Catholic upbringing would prescribe, I just didn't know what to do. I'm not sure of an omnipotent, omniscient being watching over all us, but I do know there is something out there. So, lol, I don't know. I'm in between, I guess. I just know life continues in a different way after we die, which comforts me in knowing when my loved ones pass on, they're never really that far away.

It's okay to babble when you find someone to talk to about things like this. :D ♥
May. 29th, 2011 06:36 pm (UTC)
I lost power when replying to this the first time, then forgot to type to you again. Sorry! I can't remember exactly what I was going to say, just that we had a nice conversation about writing, too. ^_^ And it's nice to find people to relate to.
Jun. 2nd, 2011 12:05 am (UTC)
Lol, I think that's why we became friends -- because we had things in common! :D It really is nice to be able to relate to people. ♥
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