Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

Death and Spirituality

There shouldn't be any expectation of things being easy. But when I start to fall apart, even with a good reason, it gets a little scary. Especially at this time of year. Why is this time of year such a curse?

Honestly, I still am probably doing pretty well. I had one hard night before the viewing. I was up until about 1. The viewing, itself, was fine. The body didn't even look like her. Grandma's spirit was gone. So, looking at her wasn't really sad or scary. When people started coming in, I hid out in the video room where the slideshow that Jim and I made was playing. Family and friends of my Mom came to hug me. Some of them stayed by me for awhile. It was almost nice.

I had some issues with the funeral. And maybe I should have seen it coming. But it felt so meaningless to me. I didn't realize how far I've gotten from the Catholic traditions. I mean, when I heard Jan and other members of the family talking about how Grandma was safe and happy in Heaven, that was fine. I do believe in those things. But the Funeral Mass... even though, I could remember the steps from all my years at Catholic school, they didn't mean anything to me anymore. It probably didn't help when Uncle Jim in his speech talked about Grandma doing her job by raising God-fearing children. I hate that word. You're supposed to love God and know He loves you. Fear and love don't go well together, in my opinion. You should respect Him. Trust in Him. But fear? You're supposed to fear bad things, not good ones. That's just how I feel.

Anyways, it was weird to hear relatives talk about how beautiful the funeral was when it felt so empty for me. Sure, the church was beautiful. I still love churches - lighting candles, looking at the statues, and feeling a quiet presence. But the prayers and traditions didn't mean much to me. I'm sure it was what Grandma wanted, though. That's all that matters. And when I talked to Jill about it, I felt better. Now, I know even a little bit more about myself, I guess. I really did expect to connect a little more to the Funeral Mass. I guess that's just not something I need now. I feel like I have my own close connection to God. I don't need all those extras anymore.

My second hard night came after the company left. I convinced John and Denise to stay another night, so we could throw Ethan a birthday party. I think everyone had a good time, even though we didn't end up going to Olympic Fun Center (They wouldn't let us bring in food - ugh!). But once Ethan was gone, I knew I'd be miserable. He kept me busy and happy. They left early Thursday morning. I spent the afternoon with Jan and Paul helping to organize their house mostly to keep myself occupied. Then, I had therapy. But once I got home, I started feeling sick. I ended up crying until 1AM again.

Yesterday, I spent all day out with my Mom. We got our hair done and went to Borders. I spent so much money, but I hadn't been to the big store in over a year. I came home exhausted and overstimulated. I thought I was going to have another bad night, but I managed to avoid it, somehow. I guess it's hard to know what to expect in the coming months. Another horrible Summer? Jan told me we won't let it happen. I just... don't know.
Tags: anxiety, family, spirituality

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