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Chasing Pavements

Everything happens for a reason. It's probably my greatest belief. Yes, sometimes you don't get the results you expected or wanted. Life isn't always fair. Maybe it never is. But that doesn't mean there isn't a greater plan that covers everything you could possibly imagine. I'd never say that I'd want my Grandma in the hospital. But because she is and because there are relatives visiting to see her, I got out of watching two potentially awkward episodes of Degrassi for the first time with my Mom and was able to watch them by myself today. And that was important because these episodes broke my heart in a way I couldn't explain to my Mother.

Why? Because I'm bisexual. I've known that for a long time, but it has taken all these years to say as much in words. I feel I'm split down the middle. Usually, when I close my eyes, I see Morgan as a guy. And I've never actually been in love with a girl... at least not knowingly (don't ask about that). But I like the idea of girls together. I've had a few crushes on girl characters. They were mostly girls who pretended to be or looked like boys, but not always.

I believe love is genderless, raceless, and ageless. It's the most powerfully creative and destructive force. People continue to judge and fight against it. I think I prefer men, but it's far more important to me that Morgan is a vegetarian than a man. Nothing physical beats out the inner beauty inside. And that's what is really important to me. I need someone, who holds the same cherished beliefs as I do, man or woman.

A few years ago, I saw a video that I really connected with about sexuality and love. But I was scared of sharing it. Well, that's over now. I'm not ready to scream out to the world, but I'm ready to start whispering it. I'm bisexual. Take it or leave it, just as with any other important part of me.

It's been a really stressful few weeks. The family is gathered together - often clashing with each other... with only more to come as we make big decisions about Grandma's future. My anxiety has been high, but today, I feel more depressed than anxious. And I know Grandma is depressed, too. I just don't know what to do. I just want to fade away into Morgan's arms. But that's nothing new.

Regarding Degrassi, somewhere in my heart, there is a place where I will always love Adam/Fiona, but Chasing Pavements Part 2 was beautiful and heartbreaking. I couldn't possibly hold it against Fiona for being herself. The way Fiona looked at Holly J. as she put the necklace on in the dream... was Lovely Despair. It was such an amazing episode. Up there with my favorites. And on that topic, I thought Jesus, Etc. Part 2 was lovely as well. I didn't want to like Fitz, but there it is... It's not a perfect show, but Degrassi is always teaching me something about understanding people.