Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

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The moon is bright...

...but my heart is breaking.

My Grandma is in the hospital. It isn't anything major, but I'm really scared. She's never been in the hospital since I've been alive. My Grandma is like a second mother to me. I lived with her until I was 9. She used to play Barbies with me while Mom was as work. She's always just a call away when I needed her. And now, I'm just worried.

My Mom is spening nearly all of her time there, and Jan is rushing home to help out. I went to the hospital today. I can't stand hospitals... or elevators, but I went for awhile. I hope I didn't just bring her down by being quiet and depressed.

Because something else is bothering me...

I found out that Christen had a baby without me even knowing. I hadn't heard from Christen for months and months. Hadn't seen her since May. But I always thought she was just busy... like she always seemed to be. And I tried not to bother her too much. But then, I saw a picture of her with a baby on Facebook... the part of her Facebook I can still see. And things started adding up. I was in total shock.

See, she went with her best friends to take the test. She left me out of probably the most important event of her life, and it makes me doubt everything I believe in. I would have done anything for Christen... there was a time I probably would have died for her. There was a time she really was the center of my world. I thought she was my Friendship Soulmate. She was my Nana, and I was her Hachi. I thought we were destined to be friends. And I'm sure we were, but... not in the way I thought. The way I wanted. I don't have anyone like that.

And truthfully, I really wanted to be there for her. To help her. To be important in her life. I want to tell her, "I miss you. I love you. And I'm here whenever you need me." I want to offer to babysit. To do anything. Even my Mom said we could babysit. But I'm scared it's too late for that. She just hurt me so much, and I was already so upset about my Grandma. So I said too much to accuse her. Maybe we'll never be what we were - or what I thought we were - again.

Someone I love is miserable... and there's nothing I can do.

The only saving grace lately is that Mandy, the dog I petsit sometimes, has been here through this. She's so loving and caring... and I don't know what I would have done without her the full night Mom and Joe spent at the hospital.
Tags: animals, anxiety, family, friends

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