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Once Upon a Time

I'm sitting here... staring at the wall. Hoping to die, mostly. Once upon a time, I looked at that wall the happiest girl in the world. Or it felt that way, sometimes. 

Let me begin it this way...

When I was nine years old, I met a guy named Dean. I never knew I would grow up to live to hate that day. The day I fell.

Back then, everyone thought I was strange for not having feelings for any guy. I was anything but popular anyway. There was not a soul at my school that cared anything about me, let alone was nice to me.

Save Dean... He was new and didn't know any better.

So, of course, I liked Dean a lot, as he had been nice to me. And eventually, I thought I would tell the girls I was in love with Dean, and they would be my friends. I wouldn't be weird for not liking anyone anymore. Little did I know that all things would change.

Dean grew to hate me. After all the never-ending teasing for a year and a half, I really don't blame him one bit. I ruined his life, and he ruined mine. It was my fault, but I think it evened out in the end. Dean suffered for about two years. My suffering is still far from over.

Yet people still believe I love him... Even now. For they didn't know about Seth.

Seth was Dean's best friend, or one of them, at least. I had never been in his class before 6th grade. I knew next to nothing about him. By 6th grade, I hated everyone and everything. You couldn't ask me anything without getting me to snap at you. I was an angry, suicidal girl nearing her teens, though, so it was to be expected.

Seth and I were always around each other. We were always grouped together as my last name starts with Ru and his with Sa. He irritated the Hell out of me. Somehow, though, I was attracted to him. He was the only person who paid me any attention... even if it was all negative.

I can all too well remember my leg brushing against his under these very tables. And the little annoying voice in my head that told me it was wrong. From this point on I shall refer to it as Vanessa. Vanessa is like the bit of you that says you aren't good enough... only times about ten thousand. I can remember it echoing things like, "You are cheating on Dean."

And that's truly what I believed for the longest time. It got me so frustrated that I began writing a story that explained my feelings. One that Seth used to try to steal from me. Little did he know it was all about him.

I guess, deep down, I knew I would fall for Seth. And I did. I can remember the day I finally let myself realize it so well, that I can still feel the eeriness of it all.

I was walking into the gym on a Thursday (March 15, 2001). We were currently playing badminton. Seth was playing football with some friends while the teacher waited for everyone to get dressed.

This also happened to be a day I had thought very seriously of commiting suicide.

Seth came over to me and asked, "Do you want to be my partner, Valerie?"

I remember being insanely surprised that he had not called me Moose (his nickname for me).

"No," I snapped at him, although I silently dared him to push me further.

He did not, so I began to ascend the bleachers.

"Valerie!" He shouted after me, and I turned and rolled my eyes at him. He flung out his arms and said, "Will you marry me?"

And he saved my life. I swear it. And for that, I have dedicated my everything to him.

But Seth is no longer around. He now attends a different school, which I plan to attend when I get out of here in a year and a few months. And I can't wait. I miss him more than I can say.

For now, though, I must deal with this stupid science project concerning celery which my partner is messing up horribly.


( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 28th, 2004 09:52 pm (UTC)
Very well written, Val. Nothing I don't already know, though...Lol. Keep writing!
Feb. 3rd, 2004 03:49 pm (UTC)
journals can be very soothing. you can really let your feelings out. you're really brave doing this. hope all is well! see ya val!
Apr. 23rd, 2004 06:46 pm (UTC)
you are so alike me i have that same voice except i call her rayna i am in fact a crazy suicidal tempermental cold hearted bitch and so much more... but who are they to judge someone who they know nothing about ive read your stories and they are wondeful one of the best harry potter stories ive read and i have read a lot of them... but thats off the subject someone once said "life without love is no life at all" and "love has two sides joy and happiness it is you who chooses which side you want it to become" ill leave you to think about that because i still think you have a chance a chance to get yourself out of the blackness and into the light because im too far in to turn away...

from hpay@rcn.com
Jul. 10th, 2004 01:53 am (UTC)
Geez, i never knew you planned to go to hickory...or that you were so much like Lily in Lily and the Coral Orb...and Seth was so much like James...or is he Tom? Im confused..this is Maureen by the way, so dont get scared
Jul. 20th, 2004 07:56 pm (UTC)
Val I need to know why I didn't know any of this!! I thought I was your best friend! I hope you know that you can tell me anything!! Keep writing I need to know more!
Jul. 20th, 2004 09:24 pm (UTC)
Erm... Natalie? Hmm, well if it's you then I'm not sure why you didn't know this, but next time leave your name on the message.
Aug. 27th, 2004 09:28 pm (UTC)
why dont you talk to these boys instead of hiding from them
Aug. 28th, 2004 05:55 am (UTC)
Re: ???
I did talk to Seth. I spend most of 6th grade talking to Seth. Snapping at him for not doing his homework, mostly...

How exactly was I hiding from him?

Talking to Seth did no good. He made fun of me constantly. He didn't care, that was obvious.
Feb. 10th, 2005 05:06 am (UTC)
Sigh . . .
You're writing is so crisp and fresh. Funny and poignant. Love the journal. Keep updating. I think I'm addicted.

PS- I read it backwards!
PPS-Isn't Hobbes' happy dance silly?
Feb. 10th, 2005 03:49 pm (UTC)
Re: Sigh . . .
Hahaha... you read it backwards! Well, on a sadder note, I won't be online at all for at least a day... probably more. My computer's all messed up so I'm taking it in to get fixed. My stepdad's cousin fixed computers so hopefully eventhing will be all right.
Mar. 1st, 2005 06:44 am (UTC)
Hulllo, tis Audry
You should have married him, Val. You should have married him.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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