Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

To Keep Dreaming...

I spent most of the week working on Dreaming in Shadow here and there. I wrote a decently long chapter for me. My long chapters don't tend to be the most exciting, action-y scenes. No, those I stumble with sometimes. The chapters that just keep on going for me are the character-driven scenes, where you get to really know people. I can't believe I've finally gotten into the section of DiS where I'm writing this way for these characters. After hiding in a shadows for so long, Wendy is starting to get to know her lost boys. And writing it feels just... amazing!

I wasn't really thinking this way, but when I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday, he asked if I had any stories that were half finished. He really wants to see how I'd feel to have a book completed and on the shelves. He thinks it would be good for me. I understand why he feels that way, and indeed, I'm sure there would be a point of excitement. I mean for people to actually read my book! Wow. The problem is... he's thinking about the end-goal; I'm thinking about the pain of getting there. When I talked to Jill, she understood. She said it would be like giving birth. And it's probably a good comparison. I expect to have an experience close to Postpartum Depression. Something like what happened last year on my birthday. :/ And that scares me... a lot.

I assume it will always hurt for me to finish a story, but finishing Dreaming in Shadow will hurt the most. I mean... this story has been there for me through all of my high school (and post-high school) pain. It's the story I can write the most easily. The one that never lets me down. The one that finally made me write for real. To be published. No more practicing... this was it. I knew as soon as I had the dream that this would be my first real novel.

So, how could I possibly ever let it go? :( I want to keep dreaming forever. I don't want to wake up.

Truthfully, I have no idea how to self-publish or market a book. I have absolutely no clue. So, not only will I be depressed from finishing DiS, I'll also be venturing into the unknown. After typing the story... Convincing Mallory to draw for me. Finding Morgan so he can draw for me. Finding an artist. Figuring out how to self-publish. Setting up a paypal or something? Figuring out how to get people interested in a new author. Bribing old Hate You, Hate Me fans with new chapters if they buy DiS. Maybe setting up a member give-away on book sites (Mommy's idea)?

Seriously... that's all I've got. The truth is: I have no idea what I'm doing. The writing is all I know how to do.

But hey, I'm only half done. Maybe. I told my psychiatrist I was almost half done. And I'm not good at estimating. There's still a lot of things I want to do. But I really hope I have Morgan by the time I get to the hard stuff. *Sighs*
Tags: anxiety, dreaming in shadow, dreams, writing

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