Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

Health and Reading

*Deep Breath* Wow. It's been a crazy week. I had a little... okay more than a little crisis. Tuesday didn't start badly. I went to Game Stop to pick up Sims 3: Late Night, which I've yet to try. When my Mom dropped me back at home before work though, I started feeling weird. I was breathing strangely, nervously. Was it because I was worried about reading at St. Joe's on Friday? It felt worse than that. I decided to employ one of my calming techniques... watching kids shows. Little Bear was on Nick Jr. so I had it on while I played Some Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep, which I had started on Monday.

Suddenly, a horrible noise came from the TV. A Tornado Watch. For those who don't know, I am extremely afraid of tornadoes. Just a strong storm warning sends me into panic. I ended up having the the Weather Channel on for a good 4 or 5 hours until the storm passed by.

And then, in the middle of that panic, a new more lasting crisis arose. I was eating yogurt to calm my stomach (That part is almost funny now.), when I saw "Kosher Gelatin" listed as an ingredient. I'm a vegetarian. And I thought for the past 8 years that I'd done an extraordinary good job of keeping animal parts out of me.  But I was wrong.

See, gelatin (even kosher) is made from animal parts, usually bones or skin. I know most people out there are not vegetarians, but honestly, I can't imagine most people would like the idea of bones and skin in their dessert. Gross. Now, I've known about gelatin for a long time. I haven't eaten Jell-O for many years, and I usually check my fruit snacks. But never did I imagine that there was gelatin in my supposedly good for me yogurt or the poptarts I'd been eating pretty much my whole life.

I was completely disgusted. And upset. And panic attacking. My beliefs are so important to me. Though I didn't mean to, it still upset me so, so much. Even though I did find some comfort, I cried for hours Tuesday night after the shock was over. I just always thought I was being perfect, but I wasn't checking enough labels. Who would have expected gelatin in yogurt? But I still blame myself. I didn't check. And therefore, it's my fault that there have been disgusting things in me all along.

I dragged myself through Wednesday, but Thursday morning, I woke up feeling mostly better. I knew there were changes to be made, and that was okay... until I discovered another round of things. I found gelatin listed in my vitamins, which I could have sworn I had already checked months ago. The new McDonald's smoothie I liked so much had yogurt with "kosher gelatin" in it. And they do still put some kind of beef stuff in the fries, too. Not that I got them very much, anyways.

I had to force myself to go to therapy that night. I cried on the way, during, and on the way back. Jill was supportive. She told me a Chinese story about being blessed for intention. I hope I can get myself to believe that's enough. I still cried for hours when I got home.

I had to get up early this morning to go to... school, of all places. I somehow got ready in only an hour, though that's not something I could do all the time. I read six books to the Kindergartners, and though I stumbled a bit, I loved every minute. Just being in the school made me feel great. When I was done reading, I took my cauldron around for the kids to each pick one piece of candy. A lot of them chose the Laffy Taffy over the chocolate, which I thought was funny. One of the kids asked if they could have the spider ring I had attached to the side of the cauldron instead of candy! Isaid that was fine - healthier, too. Another of the kids "accidentally" opened their candy. The librarian and I shared a look. Suuure, accident. Then, she had the kids all tell me what they were dressing up as, though a couple said it was a secret. Hehe. So cute.

Once the kids were dismissed, I packed up my things and went back to the office to see if there was anything else for me to do. I ended up in the Cafeteria wrapping straws into orange napkins and putting spider rings on them. I used to love little tasks like this. I love helping out. I felt bad for the boy who took my ring instead of candy, though. Haha. Maybe he'll get two different colours, at least?

After that, Mrs. Smith talked to me about possibly helping some kids with reading problems once a week. The way she presented it, it seemed I'd be working off a script and maybe doing some online things. I... really want to do it. I do. It's a lot for me to commit to a once-a-week plan, but I really want to do it. Mrs. Smith took down my cell number and said she'd get back to be about it. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it... but I think I'm going to try. It just feels so right to be in that school again.

However, when I left the school, the good feeling, the good aura I had felt disappeared. Mom and I went to get my glasses fixed. I was feeling worse and worse. We went to a heath food shop to look for vegetarian vitamins. The lady there told me I looked sick and anemic. She told me that I was going about being vegetarian in an unhealthy way, which I won't disagree with. She couldn't believe I'd been at it for 8 years. She made me drink this little vegetarian iron supplement before I left.

I felt more miserable. We didn't actually buy the vitamins (my Mom didn't have much money on her), but I got some organic peanut butter, and we bought some wheat bread at Giant Eagle. I had a totally delicious healthy peanut butter sandwich when I got home. For the first time in days, I felt full and not sick to my stomach. The strange thing about this disaster is that it might end up making me healthier. But I still wish I had known about this stuff years ago. :/

Tags: anxiety, health, school, vegetarian

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