Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

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The Cycle of Lovely Despair

I've had a rough 7 days. Nothing particularly bad happened, I've just felt awful. I blame hormones, mostly. We don't get along well, if you didn't know. I had a bad fight with them in August, too. :/ Actually, that time was far worse. I have better weapons this time.

Time to stop with the metaphors? Oh, okay.

Anyways, I've been having to take sleeping pills for the last week. I tried to go to bed Wednesday night and broke into a random panic attack. I can hardly think about trying to sleep without having a panic attack... from fear of having a panic attack. (It's a Panic Disorder thing.) Luckily, earlier this month, my psychiatrist gave me a prescription for Ambien for just this sort of situation. I hate taking pills, but it works. And taking them is far better than what happened in August, believe me.

I saw Jill on Monday, and though she mostly said things I already knew, I did come to realize that this is just the end of another cycle for me. It's only natural for me to break down. That's what happens. It hasn't been pleasant, but I've gotten through it before. Three years ago, it was my class graduation (and later, the end of Harry Potter). This year, it's the transformation of a story that I've held close to my heart for almost 12 years.

The technical end of that stage is just around the corner. My birthday. My 21st birthday. I've been dreading it for some time. Beyond what it means for that story, a birthday is to me a time of reflection. Looking back and seeing what little I've done. All the time that's passed. It's been getting worse the last few years. After so long of feeling far ahead of my peers, somehow, I feel like they've past me by. Many of my friends are living on their own (or with boyfriends...), working, and feeling so far away. It's not like I want those same things for my life. I don't. (Okay, well... I really, really want to be living with Morgan, but other than that.) But everyone is living out there without me. As it was bound to be.

Hopefully, in another week or so, I'll be feeling back to normal. It's pretty bad when I long for my normal so much, since it's not usually much worth bragging about. *Sighs*
Tags: anxiety, writing

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