Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

March: Death and Rebirth

I've been out of school for 5 years now. March 29th 2005 was the last day I went to school. Strangely, I've been in pain the last few days. Headaches, eye and neck pain. Stress, I suppose. These 5 years haven't exactly been pleasant. But in the end, what came before them was worse. Far worse. At least, since leaving school, I've been safe. Away from people.

But very alone.

It's not as though each day seems endless. In fact, time has flown. It's looking back to see 5 years gone; that is what's frightening.

And still, I'd say the last 6 months have been the happiest I've ever been in my memory. Not that it's saying a lot. I'm still not actually happy. Jill says I'm finally getting used to my own rhythm and that's why I've been "better", writing more and such. I've also felt very sad this month, though. My writing has always gone along with sadness. It's been bittersweet. 

March is the month of death and rebirth for me. I once died in one love and was reborn in another. And then, 5 years ago, that life died a slow, painful death. The rebirth process has been slow, as well, with long stretches of emptiness where I felt blinded. I had to learn everything again. How to write, to read, to see things in my mind the way I had before.

Am I finally coming up out of the water? Can I finally breathe again? Or have I ever really?
Tags: anxiety, school, seth, writing

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