Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford
fireflys_locket

Trapped Faith


I think I hate Religion.

My Uncle thinks I'm defective. Since he's Religious, he was preaching to me. About all the things that are "wrong". And I held back. It's his first day here... best not to ruin the whole week. Even though now I'm screaming on the inside.

He said anyone who doesn't want kids is defective. Well, I'm sorry... I don't. I don't feel called to have children. I would never dream of having an abortion, but I very sure I'm not meant to be a mother. And I refuse to think that's wrong. I can still remember when I first started
discovering how the Catholic Faith felt about marriage and children. And how angry it made me feel. I asked to borrow the book we were reading for Theology and scanned in that page in disgust.

Then my Uncle went on to say how American culture has turned away from God, which has lead to homosexuality and even INTER-RACIAL relationships... Okay, what the Hell!? I get the homosexuality thing... (and by that, I mean I understand that it is
taught to be wrong, not that I agree, because I absolutely do not!) but I was totally shocked that he's actually preaching against Inter-racial relationships. I wanted to scream at him.

But I held back, even though I feel like I just broke a glass vase and pushed the pieces into my chest.

And that's not the first Religious dispute I got into this week... although the first one was actually with someone who was respectful of my views. And that's a rarity, honestly. We talked about the children issue briefly. Though she didn't press her opinion after I told her I didn't feel called to have children.

But it turned somehow to priests getting married. Because I thought about it long and hard, and I just feel everyone has a soulmate. She really wouldn't budge on how she felt priests couldn't do the same work if they were married. I really didn't have any points to argue with that, but I still disagreed.

She agreed it was possible that they could have soulmates, but still, to do what they were called to do, they needed to stay single to be devoted to God's work. But the point I was getting at was that is if God was pretty much telling these people to give up a life with their soulmates... "Okay, then, I think that's just
cruel." And I said it fighting tears... because the idea of that really hurt me that much.

Because I absolutely do believe in God. My God. No one Religion's God. I believe in a loving God. Not a God for which we have to suffer and sacrifice to please... but a God who delights in the spreading of love, caring, and respect through the world. That's what I believe in.

But the horrible thing is... I feel so trapped between the total non-believers and the strict religious. I am... me. But no one wants me to be me. They want me to be part of something else. To choose a side... when I think both sides are wrong. And it makes me want to scream...

"I feel so lost!"
Tags: family, rant, spirituality
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