December 1st, 2019

Namine Sad - warplanes

Celebration

I'm going to be honest with you here. You could say that I'm not great at celebrating things, but this doesn't feel like a bold enough statement. I'm terrible at celebrating things.

Most holidays lost their luster around twelve years old and have now turned into nothing but stress and sadness. Birthdays lasted a little longer, including my best one - and what I often call the best day of my life - when I went to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with friends from school, but almost ever since have been the trigger for severe anxiety episodes. There were a few I was lucky to survive.

And in terms of celebrating my accomplishments? Well, there haven't been many. I dropped out of high school, and my graduation from middle school was very possibly the worst day of my life. (Or at least the events around it.) I've never had a job or relationship to celebrate. And the one thing I've done, the one thing I actually felt proud of - the original publication of Magic Inc. - got shadowed by another massive trigger less than two days after.

I don't want to continue this pattern. No, I will never be an upbeat, energetic sort of person. That's not my personality. And I'm not into faking any emotion. Loud celebrations don't suit my extreme introversion, either. But I want to at least have things to be proud of. And I want to be appreciative of those things. To be able to recognize them when they do happen. And to be able to feel a deep (if quiet) gratitude for them.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to appreciate the flow of time instead of being scared of it. I don't know how to feel like anything I've done is worth celebrating. And I don't know how to invite in the good things without feeling like they're just going to disappear. But I'm putting this out there, as I have with other things before, in hopes that maybe someday I'll figure it out. Or it will just happen. Someday, maybe I'll find happiness and peace.

I wish you the best for the holidays.
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