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April 1st, 2019

Fear of Shining

I've always loved shiny, sparkly things. Jewelry, crystals, glitter. But I've always been equally afraid of shining. Of putting myself in the spotlight. I may wear bright colors and unique jewelry pieces, but I don't want to be seen. I may want to express my creativity and tell my own truth through fiction, but I don't want it to be judged by the world. Even the most genuine human beings are full of contradictions. I want to be seen. I want to matter. I want my art to matter. But I also want to hide it and myself away where we are safe and (to a certain extent) stagnant.

I think comfort zones are given a bad reputation in the spiritual world, though. Everyone seems to love the line, "Nothing ever grows there." I don't agree with that at all. I've done all of my best work (inner and creative) when I felt safe enough to explore my own heart and mind. Not all growth is made in the outer world through outer experiences. That's a very extroverted way of thinking. Introverted growth is important, too. I could argue it's even more important. But sometimes you grow from experience and sometimes you grow from introspection.

However, there does come a time when you have to take the things you discovered and created in your safe space out into the world. Where it is definitely not safe. I'm heading towards one of those times now. In the next few months, I'll be releasing two books. I'm re-releasing Book One, hopefully to a larger audience. And I'm finally releasing Book Two, my soul-baring book forged in the flames of my own self-hatred. It is a very scary time for me. I don't know that all the work I've put into these books for nine years combined will even matter. I don't know if readers will pick through my shiny, broken bits of soul like magpies only taking what they want - good or bad - from it.

I have no grand stories of how "worth it" putting yourself out there is. I have only hopes and fears... and the inner knowing that this is what I was meant to do. And the time is nearly right.