June 17th, 2011

Lovely Reflection - amethystia

Closer and Closer

Every once in awhile - maybe a couple times a year, I meet someone new. Someone, who isn't Morgan, but I feel like there is some closeness to him. This is something that's been building steadily for many years. Each time, it seems they are closer to what I want. Maybe it's something meant to encourage me. I'm not sure if it does, though.

Yesterday, I met someone who had the insight to actually ask me if I ate meat. I mean, who would think... doesn't everyone just assume that someone eats meat until they are told otherwise? I felt some sort of shock in my stomach. And then, I got scared. I started crying, because I didn't know what to do. In the end, it's so much easier to reject the thought of people who are so far off of what I want. But to think it's possible, terrifies me. I don't know how to react to that... except with fear and anguish. Crazy, right?

Now, let's be clear: this man is not Morgan. He is considering becoming vegetarian, but he isn't one. He's significantly older than I am - which doesn't necessarily mean much, but he's been married. And he has some issues that I don't know if I could deal with in my soulmate. But he's a really nice person, and once I started realizing he wasn't Morgan, I began to calm down. And we had a real connection.

We talked for hours. He said, "I know people. With you I could trust my soul. That's not easy to say..." And maybe that sounds fake to you, but it didn't feel fake to me. And I think I bring out this side of certain people. It's happened before. The unfortunate part is that I never end up hearing from that person again. :/ It's like they got what they needed out of a couple of hours... and they felt better. Like a one time therapy session or something. I don't know.
Jane (Book One) - fireflys_locket

So many boxes...

(Also known as: the other thing that has been bothering me.) I should have posted about this last week, but I guess there was a reason I didn't.

I had an epiphany at therapy. That's a major shock, since it doesn't happen often. You might think that's the way therapy is supposed to work, but it doesn't usually for me. My therapy is more of a stabilizer than something to make big breakthroughs in. It's like taking medication for emotional things. It might not cure you, but if you stopped taking it, you'd be totally unbalanced.

Anyways... I actually did have a big breakthrough last week. See, I hadn't been feeling like writing lately. You might think that's normal after the loss of my Grandma. And maybe it does have a bit to do with that as well. But I figured out the major problem I've been having with writing: I can never write it all.

That's right... I realized that there was no way I could write out all of my hundreds of story ideas. Even if I wrote a chapter a day for the rest of my life, I don't think I could do it. Jill says I have the opposite problem of most authors; most worry if they will even have another great idea. To me, that seems crazy. How do people live without all these ideas spinning around in their head? I mean, I totally realize that I have the better problem. It's much better to live with too many ideas than not enough. But I've been psyching myself out of writing, because if I will never finish everything... why bother? :/ How do I choose what is most important?

But that's not all. I also figured out where this whole cycle of thought started. Just... be forewarned that it may seem kind of stupid. See, Jill calls me a tuning fork. I just barely hit something, and I'm shaking like crazy. Everything affects me so strongly. Just a brief mention of certain things. Even silly things.

Like how last month, I went out to get my hair cut, and the guy who washes my hair told me about some rumor of the world ending. At 5:00. That day. I do not seriously buy into things like that. However, my Mom and I went a few different places afterward, and everyone was talking about it. I just got sicker and sicker. I can't handle talk like that. Even though I didn't believe the world was going to end, it got me into a negative mindset. Jill thought it was also how it had come out of nowhere. And I was out around people, too. :/

But then, the day was over... and I didn't really think about it again until last week. But it had affected me, because I started thinking if the world is going to end in a year or so, what's the point? I couldn't even finish one book and get it typed and printed in that time. There's no way. So, that's how I psyched myself out of writing the last few weeks. But I talked to Jill, figuring all this out... and I feel so much better.

Now, here's why I brought it up: I was watching Honey and Clover today, and I'm at a part where Hagu talks about having so many boxes inside of her. (For people, who don't watch the show, Hagu is an artist.) Here's a little of what she says: "There are so many things I want to do. There are an endless amount of things inside of me I want to make. They're scattered all around me. Each time I open a new box, a whole bunch of ideas jump out. I catch each one, wrestle with it, try to understand it, and swallow it whole. Then, give it and name and put it away where it belongs. Repeat that, over and over again. Just repeat it, for as long as I can. I want to open all of these boxes. But a lifetime is too short to open them all. I wish people lived to be 400 years-old. That way, I could do everything I want to do. But if I had a person to fight alongside me... if I just had someone." Wow, just wow. That's so very much how I feel.

I was told Honey and Clover was awesome. And I quite agree. It doesn't beat NANA for me, but it is speaking to the creative side in me that Hachi's character just doesn't have in her. Also, another character gave me some great lines to relate to in the previous episode: "Oh, no. I never wanted to be saved. I wanted to stay miserably in love with Takumi forever. And cry forever. And yet... and yet." That just sounds so much like how I was with Seth. (But Morgan... I do want to be saved now! <3)

HeH. I think Honey and Clover is destined to be one of my favorite anime! Thanks, jenthehen , for getting me started on it! <3