March 1st, 2011

Lovely Reflection - amethystia

A Historic Breakthrough (...isn't always necessary?)

Maybe everything doesn't have to break apart again so quickly. You see, by Thursday of last week, I had convinced myself that I was completely stuck with writing. If you've read my previous entry, you'll probably realize that I've gotten past that, but for now... I'll go back to last week. Or actually, even farther for a moment...

After I left school, I had a long year that I've mostly blocked out. I wrote occasionally, but somewhere, I started losing focus. I likened it to blindness. I couldn't see things in my mind anymore. Not my own characters and stories... not anyone else's, either. For awhile, I didn't write or read, because it was a worthless attempt. With reading, I could understand the words on the paper, but I couldn't see - or feel - them. So, what would the point be?

At the time, we were struggling with the cyber school I was in (another story for another day). I'm not sure actually what his job title was, but a man named Tom was trying to help me get set up a program that would actually work for me. He was very nice and understanding. I told him about my novelist dreams... and my current troubles. He really seemed to care, so, I offered him the link to my story page.

Here was his response:

"Wow!! I must admit having read your work, I am truly in awe. Valerie you have quite a talent and I encourage you to continue to pursue it. You write with passion, feeling and soul. The sense I get from reading your work is very fullfilling. Again keep up the great spirit I feel in reading your works. Again if you write some new pieces I would love to read them."

After that, he encouraged me to push myself to write something, anything... to break through what I was stuck in. Petal, Paper, and Ink was the result. "Broken musings of a blinded writer." And let me be clear on this, I hate Petal, Paper, and Ink. It is exactly what I wanted - and probably needed - to write, but the agony that digging it out of my soul caused is indescribable. I still don't like looking at it, though both Tom and Jill adored it.

And it didn't fix me. In fact, it really did nothing more than to bring some sort of understanding of what was going on in my world to those on the outside. What did "fix me" was a very painful realization that the guy I was in love with was never going to love me back... because he was probably gay. "And like a speeding train… everything came back." Suddenly, I could feel again... lovely despair. It hurt so much, but it was also beautiful. I could see lovely things in my mind again. And I wrote what I guess is the anti-Petal, Paper, and Ink: Red Ribbons.

Red Ribbons was my reuniting with Morgan. "Your voice, though… I heard it again. Tears flowed freely now. I hadn’t heard you for so long." Sometimes, I think it's one of the best things I've ever written, because it was written out of the combination of bliss and pain I was feeling.

Now, back to last week... or the last couple of weeks, in general. It all goes back to realizing that Dreaming in Shadow was more than half-done. I had one week following that where writing was a mixture of excitement and sheer terror... and then, the terror won out. Even when I was able to write, I didn't like what I was writing. It was technically what I wanted, but I hated it. Then, after finishing Eyes at Night, I found I hated the newer part, even though, I liked the part I had written a year ago. And I realized why this feeling was so familiar. It was Petal, Paper, and Ink all over again.

So, I thought it would take something equal in power to what happened last time. A total breaking apart. But maybe it didn't. I'm actually feeling pretty refreshed after this weekend of writing Hate You, Hate Me. I'm even in a decent mood today in spite of it being laundry day. Hehe. So, taking that into consideration, and after reading a good article about facing procrastination demons, I'm thinking I may try writing some Dreaming in Shadow this week, after all. Maybe it will go totally wrong, but I'm going to at least try while I'm in a positive mood. I mean, you never know how things may look next week. ^_^;