January 16th, 2011

Gina (Book Two) - fireflys_locket


I've been writing a lot of journal entries lately, haven't I? I guess I've had a lot to say. Strange. Being depressed makes me wordy, apparently. That makes sense, actually. I guess this wave of depression started with those dreams on Thursday. I feel too deeply, and it always causes me pain. I'm feeling very alone and depressed. Truthfully, I know some things that can usually pull me out of a depression. But I sometimes, I choose things that I know will make me hurt more. Sometimes, I just need to let it out. My mom worries. She says anything that makes me depressed is bad. It doesn't exactly work like that, though.

I'm watching more NANA today. I'm starting to really get used to the English voice actors and enjoy their performances. The only one I'm still a little sour on is Nana. But only a little. Anyways, my heart is breaking open anew watching Hachi's pain. I miss my Nana. I miss all my friends. I feel like I'm not really apart of anything anymore. Nothing really depends on me. No one calls me to ask for advice or just to listen. I'm a good listener. But I just wonder... is there really any place where I could belong?

When I do talk to my friends, usually a Facebook message here or there, they say they miss me. But their lives are so busy and nothing ever comes of it. Sierra's really the only one who can find time to see me when she's home. I appreciate her so much for that. But when she's away at school, I go months and months without seeing anyone but my family. Sometimes, I don't even see my Dad for many months. My other close friend that I actually talk to... well, things can be complicated with him. And it's not like I actually see him.

I do appreciate what I have. Or I try to, at least. But I still wonder if it really matters that I'm around.

I really hope this entry doesn't scare anyone. I'll be fine. Well, as close as I get to fine. If I'm not feeling better by tomorrow night, I'll just watch the Best of the Endurance Run until I cheer up. But sometimes, I just need to feel for awhile. It's part of who I am.