Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

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Lost in Time

23 years ago, I embarked on my first day of fourth grade.

11 years (and some months) ago, I began writing Jane's journey with that scene.

6 years ago, I released the first book in Jane's story.

1 year (and some months) ago, I released the new and (hopefully) definitive version of Book One.

In 11 years, it will be the year Jane starts fourth grade in The Timeline.

I have this uncanny ability to be deeply connected to so many points of time all at once. When I was a child, I felt like adult me stuck in a child's body. I called out for future me (Gina) to save me from the life I was living. But also, to remember, to save forever what was important to me then. I was only able to do one of the two. But oh, did I. More than I ever imagined at that time.

Now, I feel like I could blink and be back in school. Even though it's been half my life since I dropped out due to intense panic attacks. The things that happened back then still feel so fresh in my mind. And seeing the lives my former classmates are living - with relationships, kids, and careers - is often jolting to my core. How can things have changed so quickly for them and so slowly for me?

Sometimes, I feel like the life I've been living the past sixteen years is just a dream, not a life at all. At the same time, I feel like maybe I dreamed my former life. That it's just a story I created for myself.

"Was she dreaming? Or rather... which part was the dream?"
Tags: anxiety, dreaming in shadow, dreams, friends, magic inc, school, writing

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