Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

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Fluttering Nerves

I've been creating. Writing parts of Book Three, taking outline notes for future books, editing parts of back burner stories, even making formatting templates for myself so I (hopefully) don't have to stress as much about that stuff later.

But even in the midst of doing *exactly* what I want to be doing - creating without the use of pressure - I'm still second guessing myself. Can I really do this? Can I follow my intuition no matter what and ignore the structure and rules others preach - for the sake of feeling alive and free and creative again? I feel so nervous all of the time, like I'm doing something wrong and might get scolded.

I've never resonated much with zodiac horoscopes. They tend to paint Geminis as extroverted and energetic, which is so not me. (I relate more to Cancer!) But The Pattern app* has been surprisingly on the mark for me in most cases. They also sometimes have discussions that are thought-provoking. (This is not an ad. I promise I'm going somewhere with this.) A few days ago, someone was answering a prompt about creativity by saying they didn't feel like they were worthy to create. And I related so much!

Yes, I am a self-published author with two finished novels and (probably) more on the way, and I still constantly feel like I'm not worthy. That I don't deserve to create. Particularly in the way that fulfills me the most, ignoring writing conventions and "rules" and allowing myself to follow my inspiration. But deep down, I truly believe creativity is a birthright! You don't have to earn it. You don't need anyone's "permission". And you don't have to follow the "rules". Just follow your heart.

I've mentioned this before, but freedom can be scary. When you're living by your intuition and your own set of rules, doubts spring up. It can feel like butterflies, or maybe a flock of birds, are living in your chest. That fluttering activity can be exciting and terrifying at the same time.

I've been observing in myself that excitement can turn so quickly into anxiety. My brain almost reads them as the exact same thing. But that doesn't mean the excitement isn't there. That I shouldn't try to embrace it when I'm able.

*Some people think The Pattern app is listening to them through their phone, so download with caution, I guess! 😅
Tags: anxiety, magic inc, spun of silver, writing

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