Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford

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Part of me so desperately wants to be "writing again", claiming the active identity of writer and author. Another part of me is screaming out in fear, "Please don't make me do that ever again!" My last writing journey was such a difficult one. It was like bleeding words out onto the page. And that was so fulfilling and cathartic when I could lose myself in the process. But the rest of the time my mind was relentlessly attacking me with fears. "They will hate it. They will hate you."

If that's what "writing again" is, I can't go back there. My mental health just cannot take it anymore. But maybe I don't want to think of "taking a break" and "writing again" as an on/off switch. Maybe I don't want to be "working" or "not working" as two separate states of being. Maybe I want to return to the natural ebb and flow of inspiration I had before I was an author: where everything I did was part of a summoning ritual for inspiration, but none of it was done in service of creating a "product".

I rejoiced in the flow of stories constantly coming to me, through me, and living within me. I didn't read to "harvest" inspiration or keep up with "trends". I drank from the well of stories (in many forms) because it was part of keeping myself alive. I breathed stories in like fresh air, because they were one of the only things keeping me breathing. I wrote because there was magic surging up in me, and I had to open my heart and let it out, giving stories back as a gift to the world, from my most authentic self.

I know. Maybe this sounds "crazy" to you. That it's too good to be true. Writing can't always be that good, that natural, that... easy. And no, it can't. Not entirely. There will be times of struggle. Times where you have to push a little in order to make progress. But even in those times of "pushing forward", you can still trust in your intuition to guide you along the way.

Maybe the "blocks" we face as creators are as key to the process as anything else. And we actually make it worse by resisting, by struggling against the block or trying to ignore it. By even calling it a "block", instead of a detour. Maybe sometimes obstacles are detours in the right direction.
Tags: anxiety, writing

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