Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford
fireflys_locket

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Flying Through the Trees

I'm on a journey to reclaim my love of writing and writing done out of love. To not force, to not pressure. To write only for myself, when it flowed out of me. The freedom has been both healing and terrifying at the same time. The feeling of pursuing your own path is like flying through the trees. You're soaring one moment, then dizzy on the ground the next, wondering if you were "crazy" to set off on this path alone instead of the well-worn one.

But it isn't "crazy" to go your own way. It's brave and authentic to follow your intuition, whether that leads you to follow the "normal" path or to make your own path through the trees. Trusting yourself feels so beautiful and authentic, but it can be scary, too, if you have an anxious brain like mine! Letting go, no longer clinging to what you thought you had to, is flying and falling at the same time.

It can be so hard for me to not equate my value with being productive or selling books. I know that art has its own value and that creating in the wild unknown is freeing and flowing. And I love that. But my brain tells me if I don't get any writing or planning or editing done, I'm worthless.

That's just not true. We all have an inherent value. Just for being a living, breathing human. Our culture is obsessed with working hard and producing something tangible to prove our value. And there's nothing wrong with those things! But there's more to life than that.

I told myself I was taking this year off from pressure. But I'm still struggling to trust that I'm on the right path, at least during the dry spells. Even though needing breaks is completely natural, we tend to question our worth during these times instead of using them to rest and breathe and live.

And yes, it does come back. It always does. And yet, somewhere in my brain, I always fear it won't. But we have to allow ourselves the breaks when we need them. It's hard to let go and trust the process. But I'm going my own way anyhow. And even though I have a long journey ahead to accepting myself and my process, I'm proud of myself for that.
Tags: writing
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