Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford
fireflys_locket

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Grieving and Healing

The grieving is huge. I've had several intense sobbing panic attacks. Losing a fur baby soulmate is devastating. I cried out to my Mom in the midst of my sobbing that I was in agony. Because that's really what it feels like. Some precious part of me was ripped away, never to return. I didn't realize until she was gone, how very much I needed her. How much I relied on her unconditional love, absence of judgement, and her need for me.

And I loved her so. As Nana Komatsu would say, pain comes with love. As Anna Nalick would say, I love like I'm dying. And as Lissa Rankin would say, you have to give those you love permission to break your heart. Just because you've lost the love of your life doesn't mean you shut yourself off from other kinds of love. Like with family and friends.

My friends and family have been very supportive through all of this. And most of them agree that there is another piggie out there who needs my love. So, I'm trying to keep my heart open, even though it is shattered. I will never love any piggie as much as I loved Cinnamon. There is no replacement for her perfect uniqueness, but there are other wonderful piggies who need my love.

And speaking of that, we, of course, still have Oreo who we took in back in March. And he has been so good through this. He's sat on my lap while I sobbed. He's licked tears off my hand after I wipe my eyes. Having him here feels like fate. Because the emptiness in the house without Cinnamon is colossal. Oreo is getting us through this pain right now, and soon (I think) there will be a little one to help him to help us heal.
Tags: animals, anxiety, family, friends
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