Valerie Rutherford (fireflys_locket) wrote,
Valerie Rutherford


I've been a bit quiet online lately. A few weeks ago, I got some bad news from my new doctor. It's no emergency, so please don't worry about me. But I'm having to make some changes to my diet and routine. Which has been really hard.

Any time I try to get healthier, I find myself obsessing over numbers and weight loss. I am, in general, a very anxious and obsessive person. And I tend to get overwhelmed very easily. Though I crave it in most areas of my life, I struggle with balance.

I can only seem to concentrate on one major thing at a time. For years, I chose writing. And my health has suffered for it. I never have gotten even a fraction of the fulfillment I get through writing in excercise or eating healthy. I have low energy, and exercise and meal prep exhausts me. I know logically that these things are good for me. But they drain instead of replenish. They give me less energy for the only thing that makes me feel like I'm worth something.

I am not able to work a normal job. Some weeks, I only leave the house for therapy. I have put all of my self-worth in the one thing I am able to do. Writing used to give me joy. And there was a short period of time last year where I felt it again. Then I became obsessed with fixing Book One for rerelease. I powered through editing sessions fueled by chocolate and cookie dough. Sugar never gave me a crash. It just gave me energy. But I overindulged. I relied on it too much.

I've been taking more walks lately. I can only go when someone is with me. My Mom and I don't get very far. Editing is going slowly now, too. I might not even have a book to sell at the local signing this year. All I can focus on are the steps. But I'm still not sure where I'm going.

Tags: anxiety, health, magic inc, writing

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