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Intuition and That "Right" Feeling

So, I finally worked on Book Two again. Thursday evening, I got most of Chapter 25 written. I fit in almost everything from my notes and previously written sections, but something felt like it was missing. I don’t usually reach the end of a chapter with that feeling anymore. I stressed over it that night. Was I only feeling weird because I didn’t want the book to end? One more chapter, and it would be over. Or was there really something missing?

I got varying advice from people. Some saying to come back to it later or in second draft. Some saying it always feels like you could add more. These were good encouragements, and it’s great to relate to other writers. But I’m used to that “right” feeling. Not “perfect”, because there’s no way to achieve that, especially in a first draft. (Though I’m basically doing first and second draft on chapters right now.) A “this is as good as it needs to be right now” feeling. I bring in finished chapters to my weekly therapy sessions, and Jill is the first person I show anything to. And it didn’t even feel ready for that.

And that’s how I knew I wasn’t ready to leave it alone yet. That and the anxiety buzzing around my head for leaving it unfinished. But I did think I needed to come back fresh. This was a key part of every conversation I’d had. I didn’t know how long that would take. But it turned out to be only about 17 hours.

Friday afternoon, I dove back in. Separated out the parts that felt like they moved too fast from one thought to another. Read it from the beginning and filled in the spaces when it felt appropriate and put other parts back together the way they were when it worked. The writing flowed well. And this time, when I got to the end, it felt “right”.

I’ve struggled the last couple of years with trusting my intuition. With trusting in my stories. Self-doubt has made me second guess myself so often. How will readers see this? Are these feelings really mine or just the anxiety’s? And I had to confront that here. At first, I couldn’t tell if it was my own heartbreak over the ending getting in the way or my intuition telling me something. Sometimes it’s hard to tell. This time, I think both parts were speaking to me. Yes, I was heartbroken over finishing the second to last chapter. But something also felt off. I separated the two voices, and followed my intuition. And after the fixes, I felt really good about moving onto the final chapter.

Or... I did for about twenty minutes. Nothing totally eclipsed that “right” feeling. I still knew I’d done well with Chapter 25. But the anxiety caught back up to me. I felt like a stone dropped into my stomach. One more chapter. How can that be possible?

Battling self-doubt and anxiety is a never-ending battle. But I hope you’re able to identify the quiet voice of your intuition in all the noise. I believe in you!

A to Z Bookish Survey

I've recently been obsessed with watching through BookTuber Super Space Chick's backlog of videos. I love that she is so bright and positive during a time where book discussion has gotten so bleak and negative. She is also interested in a lot of the same books as I am. I just watched her answers to this A to Z Bookish Survey, and I thought it would be nice to answer more questions about books and reading here. Please feel free to take! Please also be aware that these are just my opinions based on personal enjoyment of books and reading. I never claim to rate or recommend things objectively.

Author You’ve Read the Most Books From:

If we're talking re-reads, J.K. Rowling is my most read author, easily. But for most read unique books, Meg Cabot takes the prize. According to Goodreads, I've read 20 of her books. What's great about Meg Cabot is that she's shown talent for writing in a wide variety of genres. My favorites from her are The Mediator series and The Princess Diaries series.

Best Sequel Ever:

I don't know if it's the best ever, but Where She Went by Gayle Forman comes to mind. I didn't think I would love the follow-up as much as I loved If I Stay, but I might've liked it even more! Definitely a short series that I absolutely loved.

Currently Reading:

A Thousand Pieces of You by Claudia Gray. It's a Sci-Fi YA about jumping between parallel universes, and it's really cool so far!

Drink of Choice While Reading:

Water. I mean, I don't really drink anything except water and tea and smoothies. But mostly water.

E-Reader or Physical Book:

I prefer physical books, for sure. But I'm pretty much always reading a print book and an ebook at the same time these days. I just spend more time with the print book I'm reading.

Fictional Character You Probably Would Have Actually Dated in High School:

Thanks for the reminder that I never dated in high school. Or ever. This is really difficult. If we go recent, I guess maybe Josh Sanderson from To All the Boys I've Loved Before or August Flynn from This Savage Song. But I haven't finished either of those series, so don't quote me on that. Also from a series I need to finish, Aiden St. Delphi from The Covenant series. But he's not in high school, so I don't know if that counts.

Glad You Gave This Book a Chance:

This Savage Song wasn't really on my radar, but a friend gifted it to me for Christmas, and I ended up really enjoying it.

Hidden Gem Book:

Griffin & Sabine! I talked a lot about this series in my last survey, but yeah. Still really in love with these books.

Important Moment in Your Reading Life:

This might be cliché, but... picking up Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone for the first time at 9-years-old and discovering that I actually loved reading.

Just Finished:

Falling for the Wrong Guy by Sara Hantz. It was cute romance, with some serious subjects, but the pacing felt way too fast in a lot of places. Characters changed their minds so quickly. But I still enjoyed it, overall.

Kinds of Books You Won’t Read:

Horror. I don't mind slightly creepy stories, but no gore. I have a weak stomach. I also don't like erotica. If there's a really good story that happens to have sexual bits, I can usually deal. And I sometimes even enjoy slightly sensual stuff. But yeah, flat out erotica with little else to offer is a big no for me.

Longest Book You’ve Read:

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. (870 pages)

Major Book Hangover Because Of:

I'm not actually sure what this means? Forbidden by Tabitha Suzuma left me traumatized, with a shattered heart. And four years later, that book still haunts me.

Number of Bookcases You Own:

Three. Two upstairs, one in the basement for kids books. I need more shelves and have nowhere to put them.

One Book You Have Read Multiple Times:

Any of the Harry Potters. Especially the first three. I think I've read them too many times to count.

Preferred Place to Read:

In bed. I don't really have free access to the rest of the house most of the time.

Quote That Inspires You/Gives You All the Feels from a Book You’ve Read:

I struggle with quotes, actually. I love them in the moment, but they don't often stick with me. I've been thinking about this quote a lot recently, though. Because I've been going back and forth between anxious intensity and depressive numbness.

"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

Reading Regret:

I don't often regret reading a book. I mean, sometimes there are books I felt like I wasted my time on, but it's not a huge regret. I guess I regret that leaving high school early and never going to college led to me missing out on the chance to read and learn to appreciate more Classics. Yeah, I could try reading them on my own, but I just don't know if I could get the same meaning out of them. I struggle with adult fiction.

Series You Started and Need to Finish (All Books are Out in Series):

So many. Ugh. I think I most want to finish The Covenant series, The Mortal Instrument series, and The Sweep series right now. But also, The Lunar Chronicles. And the Monsters of Verity series. And the Shatter Me series. And the Delirium Series. And the To All the Boys I've Loved Before series. Eek! I'll stop there before you get tired of reading.

Three of Your All-Time Favorite Books:

I'll try to give some choices I haven't mentioned yet. The Truth About Forever & Just Listen by Sarah Dessen. And The Fault in Our Stars by John Green.

Unapologetic Fangirl For:

I'm not sure if I'm unapologetic about anything these days. Closer inspection brings out issues with everything. No story is perfect. And while I do very much like focusing on the positive, I don't think that means we should just completely ignore problems. The closest obvious choice for me is Harry Potter. It's been utterly huge in my life, and I honestly don't know where I would be without it. But yes, I acknowledge that it has its issues just like anything else.

Very Excited for This Release More Than All the Others:

I'm not actively craving many books that aren't already out, but Someday by David Levithan.

Worst Bookish Habit:

You might be able to guess this from earlier answers, but I am absolutely awful about finishing series these days. Even if I'm in love with the first book in a series, I find myself starting something else and getting distracted. I also tend to hoard experiences I think I will love for some unknown time I will "need" them more. This does work out with astonishing synchronicity sometimes. But other times, that just leads me to miss out on the excitement I had built up.

X Marks the Spot: Start at the Top Left of Your Shelf and Pick the 27th Book:

My top shelf has mostly thick books, so I only counted 24. But if I continue my counting to the next shelf, Impossible by Nancy Werlin. Which I remember really enjoying at the time, but it didn't really stick with me. *Shrug*

Your Latest Book Purchase:

The Beginning of Everything by Robyn Schneider.

ZZZ-Snatcher Book (Last Book That Kept You Up WAY Late):

I very rarely read past 9PM. But the last book I struggled to put down was Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli. I just had to know!

Planting Trees of Words

So, I still didn’t make any progress with Magic Inc. this week, but I did spend a little time typing and revising Miss Masquerade. It went well. How much easier it is to revisit and reword something else than to work on writing the ending chapters of Book Two. The ending that will break my heart and put me at risk of being ever closer to releasing my next book. The book I’m scared the world will either hate or ignore, with no room in-between. That’s what my anxiety tells me. That my writing is either worthless or worthy of hate. That people will cut down the tree I planted with heart and soul and watered with every fragile, broken part of me.

Still, it’s funny how I relate better to Sapphira now than I did when writing the first draft. Her apathy. The fragile numbness she uses as a shield. It’s much easier to keep living if you don’t feel anything. I’ve never been able to not feel. Everything cuts me too deeply. But I’m more numb now than I used to be. The nature of the world has made me fear again. Made me afraid to love. Afraid to love myself. Afraid to love others. Afraid to believe in the saving power of love I’ve always sworn by. (Because another birthday is approaching and love still hasn’t come to save me. Or come to make me want to save myself.) And afraid to love my writing. My world. My former secret place. Publishing has, in some ways, taken all the joy out of writing from me. The fear has struck so hard that I'm nearly numb to everything else.

And yet... I watched this video today. It made me cry and think deeply about creating and sharing ourselves through art. I feel like maybe it was trying to tell me something important. I remember when I used to be more than willing to break myself open for my writing. And I knew then that not everyone would understand. How could I not know that after growing up with bullying the way I had? But it didn't matter. I had to tell my stories anyway. It hurt more not to. Now I've become too accepting of the numbness if it protects me. Now I cut down my own trees of words before they've even had time to grow. And I'm not sure how to stop.

I think it's all connected. My fear of love and my fear of baring my soul in writing. I used to love with abandon, too. Nothing ever came of it. And I'm glad. I want to wait for the right person. I don't want to get entangled in something that will ultimately be unfulfilling. So, it's better that my heart doesn't escape as easily as before. But I have to put my love somewhere. I have to put my heart back into my work. Until the right person shows up to earn it.

I want to plant my trees with hope and not fear. Not for anyone else. But welcoming of anyone else who's willing to love them.
Magic Inc. began its life as my little secret world. An escape from the cruelty of my classmates and the loneliness of school life. This world blended some of my reality with my wildest imaginings. What if I were friends with the most popular girl in school? What if I were magical? What if I were special? What if there was a place I could escape to? What if I had someone to love and care for me (aside from family)? What if I belonged somewhere?

This secret world carried me through all my schooling years. It grew and developed with me. At times, it changed. My attentions shifted. But most things stayed the same. Magic Inc. always felt like a better, safer place for me than the real world. As I began writing fanfiction, some of my world leaked into my writing. But Magic Inc. still remained mostly private until the spring of 2010. By this time, I had been writing several other books that connected to the same universe as Magic Inc. And I had realized it was time to actually write *my* story.

This was even more difficult than I expected. Because Jane *is* me. Her experiences and feelings are almost entirely my own. And I knew some readers would not understand her. I was an extremely sensitive child. Growing up, both peers and adults questioned the intensity of my emotions and affections. I was, at the same time, an overly mature child and an overly innocent one. Jane's dreams and longings may read as "too old" for her age, but this is how I truly felt as a child. I *didn't* feel like I belonged at school. As children often do, I longed to be an adult. This is not unusual. But I also ached for a more mature connection. I think that's why I always got along better with my teachers than my peers.

But what I really craved was romantic love. From age nine and on, I would fall desperately, obsessively in love. And yes, I do call it love. Was it exactly the same as love between two adults in an actual relationship? No. But then, I think every love is different. That doesn't make it any less real. What Jane feels is completely based in the reality of what it felt like to be young and in love. To want to find wholeness in the arms of the right person.

You might not be able to relate to Jane's story. And that is completely okay. But I do believe there are other kids, teens, and adults who will be able to relate to the intensity of her passion and struggles fitting in with the world around her. Sharing a story is a very vulnerable process for any writer, and when it is based so totally on your own experiences, it can almost paralyze you with fear. As I prepare to finish Jane's next adventure, I want to thank everyone who has let her into their lives so far and anyone who will do so in the future. Thank you for treating her kindly.

2017 End of Year Book Survey

I know this is late. This is way late. But hey, better late than never? Anyhow, this is a book survey I found. I filled out a similar one for 2016 and really enjoyed it. So, even though it's nearly March, I'm filling this one out. Please be aware that these are just my opinions based on my own personal enjoyment of the books I read in 2017. I never claim to rate or recommend things objectively. Also, this is so long. And I even skipped some questions near the end.


Number of Books You Read: 35 (counting audiobooks & graphic novels)

Number of Re-Reads: 6 (mostly Harry Potter)

Genre You Read the Most From: Fantasy/Paranormal

(Also... here are my Goodreads stats. Including all the books I read in 2017.)


1. Best Book You Read in 2017? I've been listening to all the Harry Potters in audiobook since May, but I'm going to answer this with a new book. Or two new books. I'm torn between Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi and Delirium by Lauren Oliver. Both were great starts to series... that I have not continued yet. Apparently, I still haven't broken my bad habit of starting series and not continuing them. Even if I loved the first book.

2. Book You Were Excited About & Thought You Were Going to Love More But Didn’t? Scarlet by Marissa Meyer. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I loved Cinder, the first book in The Lunar Chronicles series, so I had high expectations for Scarlet. And unlike many series I start - as previously stated - I actually continued this one within about a year. Scarlet was not a bad book by any means, but I didn't like the main characters as much as the first book. And even the chapters that focused on Cinder were not as enjoyable to me. I still love the world and plan to continue this series.

3. Most Surprising (in a Good Way or Bad Way) Book You Read? Since I already mentioned my surprising disappointment, I'll go with my biggest pleasant surprise. The Griffin & Sabine series by Nick Bantock. I've had the first book for ages, but I hadn't done more than glance at it in 10+ years. Until near the end of 2017, when I spotted it in a storage bin full of books. This series is told through postcards and letters, that you take out of their own envelopes. It's a very immersive and tactile experience, packed with interesting and sometimes creepy art. The books seem to be out a print, and I had quite the time trying to track them all down. But I'm so happy I finally was struck with the desire to dive into this unique storytelling experience.

4. Book You “Pushed” the Most People to Read (and They Did)? I don't often recommend books to people anymore, because I think stories can be such a personal experience. There are lots of books I love that I know many can't stand, and there are popular books that just didn't pull me in. But I have been recommending Griffin & Sabine. And since I ended up with extras of some books in my quest to own them all, I'm planning on spreading the G&S love to my artsy friends. My therapist has already read and enjoyed the first two.

5. Best Series You Started in 2017? Best Sequel of 2017? Best Series Ender of 2017? So many questions in one. Okay, best series I started is, again, either Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi or Delirium by Lauren Oliver. Best sequel I read is probably Pure by Jennifer L. Armentrout, which is a continuation of The Covenant series. And I didn't end any series in 2017, because I'm really bad at finishing things.

6. Favorite New Author You Discovered in 2017? Lauren Oliver. Since I loved Delirium and also really enjoyed Before I Fall, in spite of some issues. But Tahereh Mafi and Charlie N. Holmberg are honourable mentions.

7. Best Book from a Genre You Don’t Typically Read/Was Out of Your Comfort Zone? If you know me well, you'll know I'm a big advocate of the "comfort zone". I don't think it's this horrible growth stopper as most people preach. I do my best growth when I feel safe to do so. But okay, back to the question at hand, Griffin & Sabine is both a very different genre than I've ever read and a series aimed at adult readers, so I was quite surprised I enjoyed it so much. I'll also mention Across the Universe by Beth Revis, which is much closer to my normal genres, but I don't typically read SciFi with spaceships. Across the Universe turned out to be more dystopian than spaceship adventure, and that suited me just fine. But I wasn't expecting this book to become an almost 5-star rating for me. (Where are those half stars when you need them?)

8. Most Action-Packed/Thrilling/Unputdownable Book of the Year? I think I might put Before I Fall in this category. I had issues with this book, but I was also riveted by it. I needed to find out what happened next.

9. Book You Read in 2017 That You Are Most Likely to Re-Read Next Year? I don't re-read nearly as often as I used to, and I'm highly unlikely to re-read something less than two years later. So, instead, I'll tell you about some other books I plan to re-read in 2018. Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. The movie is coming out soon, and I haven't read this one in about 4 years, so I'll be starting it very soon. I also want to continue re-reading The Mediator series by Meg Cabot so I can get to the newest edition. (Which is already 2 years old! What am I waiting for?)

10. Favorite Cover of a Book You Read in 2017? Across the Universe. Easily. Did I mention I basically bought this book based on the cover? Though those Olly Moss Harry Potter covers are pretty cool, too.

11. Most Memorable Character of 2017? I'm going to exclude re-reads and old friends, and say Ceony Twill and Emery Thane from The Paper Magician by Charlie N. Holmberg. Which I feel like I like I haven't mentioned enough in this post yet. The Paper Magician was also a book that was recommended by a friend, and I passed that recommendation on to at least one happy reader. So, I should've mentioned it there, too. Anyhow, I really liked Ceony and Emery and their slow-building relationship.

12. Most Beautifully Written Book Read in 2017? Probably Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi. I enjoyed the crossing out. And I really related to the intensity of Juliette's thoughts. I think this is, in general, why I like dystopian YA so much. As an extremely over-sensitive person, I relate to emotional intensity much better than thoughts from everyday life.

13. Most Thought-Provoking/Life-Changing Book of 2017? I would not call this book "life-changing", and I had some issues with it, but the most thought-provoking book I read was 13 Reasons Why. It was a very difficult book for me to read, and I wasn't able to handle watching the entire Netflix series. But they did make me think.

14. Book You Can’t Believe You Waited UNTIL 2017 to Finally Read? Griffin & Sabine. Because I had that first book since about 2006. I'm also surprised how long it's been since I last experienced the Harry Potter books.

15. Favorite Passage/Quote from a Book You Read in 2017? I wish I had kept better track of this! The only book I remember saving quotes from is Bird by Bird. Because even though most of that book did not work for me or my writing style, it did have its brilliant moments. “Write straight into the emotional center of things. Write toward vulnerability. Don’t worry about appearing sentimental. Worry about being unavailable; worry about being absent or fraudulent. Risk being unliked. Tell the truth as you understand it. If you’re a writer, you have a moral obligation to do this. And it is a revolutionary act - truth is always subversive.” or “In this dark and wounded society, writing can give you the pleasures of the woodpecker, of hollowing out a hole in a tree where you can build your nest and say, "This is my niche, this is where I live now, this is where I belong." And the niche may be small and dark, but at last you will finally know what you are doing. After thirty years or more of floundering around and screwing up, you will finally know, and when you get serious you will be dealing with the one thing you've been avoiding all along - your wounds.”

16.Shortest & Longest Book You Read in 2017? Griffin & Sabine was definitely the shortest, but I'm not so sure about the longest. Goodreads says Order of the Phoenix, but that was an audio book, so I'm not sure it should count the same. Page count-wise, probably Scarlet or Before I Fall.

17. Book That Shocked You the Most? 13 Reasons Why. I knew what subject matter I would be dealing with, but it still upset me.

18. OTP OF THE YEAR? (You Will Go Down With This Ship!) I didn't get hit as hard with the relationship "feels" last year. At least in terms of reading. Can I count my own books? But I'll say Aiden/Alex from The Covenant series, because I still love Aiden so much. Or Emery/Ceony from The Paper Magician, though I already mentioned them. Or Olly/Maddy from Everything, Everything, even though parts of that book let me down. Or Syaoran/Sakura from CardCaptor Sakura, because I will love them forever. But as a whole, I already feel way more invested in the relationships I've read in 2018 so far. A/Rhiannon and Simon/Blue, anyone?

19. Favorite Non-Romantic Relationship of the Year? Harry and Hermione, maybe? Except I totally used to ship them so much.

20. Favorite Book You Read in 2017 from an Author You’ve Read Previously? Other than re-reads, Pure by Jennifer L. Armentrout.

21. Best Book You Read in 2017 That You Read Based SOLELY on a Recommendation from Somebody Else/Peer Pressure? Technically, Griffin & Sabine was a recommendation from ages ago, but I'll go with The Paper Magician.

22. Newest Fictional Crush from a Book You Read in 2017? Newest. So, I can't say Aiden. This is tough, because I don't fall for characters that aren't my own very often anymore. I liked Kent from Before I Fall. Or Emery Thane from The Paper Magician. Or maybe Griffin from Griffin & Sabine, a little.

23. Best 2017 Debut You Read? Did I read I single book that was actually newly published in 2017? Because I don't think I did. Closest is Love & Gelato by Jenna Evans Welch, which was new in paperback.

24. Best Worldbuilding/Most Vivid Setting You Read This Year? I still like The Lunar Chronicles world a lot, even if Scarlet didn't impress me as much as Cinder. I love the magical lore from The Paper Magician, though.

25. Book That Put a Smile on Your Face/Was The Most FUN To Read? Mostly manga. CardCaptor Sakura. Fruits Basket. Or Love & Gelato, for novels.

26. Book That Made You Cry or Nearly Cry in 2017? It might be easier to list books that didn't make me cry? I honestly cry so much that I can't remember. But okay, probably cried the most reading Before I Fall.

27. Hidden Gem of the Year? The Paper Magician, because I feel like not many people know about that series. And Griffin & Sabine.

28. Book That Crushed Your Soul? 13 Reasons Why.

29. Most Unique Book You Read in 2017? Griffin & Sabine.

30. Book That Made You The Most Mad (Doesn’t Necessarily Mean You Didn’t Like It)? 13 Reasons Why. (And Everything, Everything made me sad because I was really loving it until the twist at the end.)

31. One Book You Didn’t Get to in 2017 But Will Be Your Number 1 Priority in 2018? The Hate U Give.

32. Book You Are Most Anticipating for 2018? This is almost cheating because I hadn't even read the first in the series until January 2018, but Someday by David Levithan.

33. One Thing You Hope to Accomplish or Do in Your Reading/Blogging Life in 2018? It would be cool to hit 40 books on the Goodreads Reading Challenge this year. But I'm more focused on getting my second book completed by the end of the year than any reading goals.


Failures and Realignment

2017 has been a lot of things. There have beautiful moments hidden in the edges. But I think it's clear that this has been a very hard and painful year for a lot of people. My experiences have been no different, though I'm quite aware that I have privileges that many do not. My struggles with anxiety and depression have been amplified by the negativity of what's happening in the world. And I have often turned on myself for not being more knowledgeable, braver, and more capable. I've watched so much suffering and anger, and I've hated myself for not being able to do more. For having so little to offer.

I've had many other difficult years. Ones with more personal pain and loss and panic. Years that felt like my own world was ending. But there was a key difference in 2017. My writing used to be a safe place I could escape to. This year, I've struggled with writing self-doubt. And I have mentioned this time and again, so I'll try not to linger. But I've wanted to save the world so much. Writing felt like my only way. I'd often hoped that my writing could be some comfort to people who felt "different" or rejected by the world. But I started to worry with every word I wrote that I might slip up. I might not be perfect. I might make mistakes. And then, what use would my writing be to anyone?

So, I would hold back. I would hold it in, fearing that any tiny wrong move would ruin everything. I wanted to save the world. And I knew that I couldn't. And in the process, I've forgotten to save myself. I've drifted back into despair. I've gone back to hating myself for all that I could never be or do. And for who I am. Because who I am isn't perfect. I have flaws. And my work is also flawed. And that made me want to give up. In some ways, I'd convinced myself that I had failed before I'd even finished.

This fear of imperfection has lead to me repressing my true feelings. Repressing my true self. Because I feared being rejected for being flawed. But I cannot do this anymore. My well-being is not more important than the world's. But I cannot help the world, or anyone, if I do not take care of myself. And part of that is writing what I love simply because I love it. Because it saves me. Not because it has some greater purpose to the world. Maybe it will. But if doesn't... that doesn't change the fact that I need it.

"I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me." - Joanne Rowling

And so, 2018 will be the year I finish Book Two. Or maybe not. Who really knows? But I will write what I need when I need to. I will find a way to realign with my inspiration. I will find a way to reconnect with myself, even if that means closing out the world for a little while. Maybe that really does mean that I've failed for now. But I hope to come out of this a success on my own terms. I will write the book(s) I was meant to write. And I will hope that it is, somehow, a book the world needs, too. Or maybe, just one other person. Because I am no writing superhero. And I will not pretend to be. I will not pretend to be anything I'm not.

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default." - Joanne Rowling

I will just be who I am. As a writer and a human. And someday, that will be enough.

The Quiet Voice

About once a year, my Catholic grade/middle school would send each class on a retreat to the church. Most of what happened at these retreats was unremarkable. No different than anything else we learned during religion classes. I barely remember most of them at all. There are two exceptions. The first, a scene that made it into Magic Inc. Book One, an innocent connection with the first boy I loved before he grew to hate me. The second, right before I found out the second boy I loved had asked out my best friend, went something like this…

The priest was trying to make a point about “God’s voice” being the quiet one amidst all the chaos of the outside world. That temptations and pressures from around us were much louder than the inner voice telling us to follow the light and do the right thing. He decided to illustrate his point by having the quietest student in the class stand on the opposite end of a tunnel of other students (making lots of noise) to lead the “loudest” student along the path while blindfolded.

Of course, when he asked everyone who the quietest student in our class was, they all immediately said my name. And so I was forced to stand on the other side. I barely made a squeak, far too afraid to do what I was asked. Being quiet was my only chance at protection from the cruelty classmates often showed me. It was a mortifying experience. And it stuck with me even in a year particularly filled with heartbreak.


I have for a long time felt a deep connection to my own inner voice. I would not call this voice God’s voice, but I do believe it to be my intuition - which, in turn, is connected to whatever higher power exists out there. This sense of self has guided me through so many years of pain. The bullying. The multiple times my panic attacks almost sent me to the psych ward. The times I felt like the world wanted me to change into someone more “normal”, so that I could blend in and not cause waves.

This inner voice is what compelled me to write. To become a vegetarian. To believe in soulmates and synchronicity. To be compassionate and creative in a world that often seems cruel and ready to attack those who seem different and follow their own path. This voice only grew in strength in my years of near solitude following dropping out of high school from anxiety. I still struggled with self-doubt, with major body image issues, and high anxiety. But my inner voice eventually guided me back. And I became more and more certain of my path.

Until recently. The last year, I have struggled with self-doubt so large it has threatened to knock me completely off course. The voices of the outside world have been so loud, so hurt and angry, that I have lost track of that quiet inner voice inside of me. That I have doubted my path. Wondered if I’m really meant to tell the stories inside me. Worried that I might cause more harm in this world than good.

Writing was once the only thing I felt sure about. I knew I was meant to write. I had no delusions of being “the best” writer. I always knew there would be more talented, more experienced, and harder working writers out there. But even when I doubted my writing would live up to anyone I admired, I believed in the power of stories and that I had been given stories I was meant to tell.

Now, I am fearful. Over the years, I’ve watched so many stories being ripped apart, and it has frightened me. It has brought me back to the days where any wrong move could lead to an attack from my peers. It has made me question the one thing they were never able to steal from me. My voice.

Because being quiet in school didn’t matter as long as I could escape into the worlds in my head. As long as I could spill out my emotions in writing. That was my true voice, anyhow.


There is always more we can learn. I have learned a lot the past year. I believe many important issues are being brought to light. And that is very good. But I also believe our polarized world has often lost sight of compassion. Has turned into angry shouting matches. And it scares me. Because while I certainly lean far more one way than the another, I have never fit perfectly in any group, any box. And my stories will not either.

No story is perfect. Because no writer is perfect. Because no human is perfect. But I believe we can learn a lot from listening to each other’s stories. Some stories have had the advantage for far too long, and I hope that is changing. I want to read more stories from diverse writers. I want to learn about experiences that are not my own. I want humans to realize we have far more in common than different. We all feel love and pain, have hopes and fears, have good points and flaws. We all make mistakes. And I want us to learn from them. To apologize when we’ve done wrong, even on accident. But I also don’t want to fear being demonized for making missteps.

I believe writers should be aware of the messaging in their stories and pay attention when the community presents issues of concern. But I don’t think writers should be expected to tell perfectly moral tales. Life is imperfect. People are imperfect. Therefore, stories and characters should be allowed the same.


I am trying to reconnect with my quiet inner voice. I’ve written quite a bit the last few weeks. Let Jane's voice speak out again. But I still am scared. After years of being hurt by those around me, that last thing I would want is for my work to be hurtful or harmful. But my fears have turned into repression. I’ve started believing that who I am is somehow wrong. That I don't deserve a voice or to have my stories told. Started hearing the voices of the past more loudly, telling me to hide away. To disappear.

I want to believe in the power of stories again. That writing is healing way to deal with both darkness and light. I think (nearly) every story deserves to be told. I need to have the freedom to tell mine. To write about my love and pain, hopes and fears, good points and flaws. I am not perfect, but I will try my best. If I make mistakes, I will try to learn from them.

Writers are only human after all.

Flowers and Spring and Writing

I've been trying so hard to take positivity from the fresh air and new life - the green leaves and flowers - but warm weather brings on my seasonal depression far more than winter. I think it's because it's so beautiful outside that I feel such a disconnect from everything around me. Just like holidays, I feel the pressure to be happy. And because of that, I actually feel worse. But I am trying.

Writing has also been tough lately. I'm more anxious about how my current WIPs will be received than I was about my first book's release in 2015. Self-doubt is killing my creativity on a regular basis over the last year, and I don't know what to do. I've certainly had writing anxiety before, but it has never happened with such intensity and frequency. It never really got in the way of my work. Until now.

In a way, I think all the interacting I'm trying to do with other writers on Twitter has been draining me and making me doubt myself more. I appreciate the idea of community, but as with a lot of social things - or maybe all social things - I often feel more alone when I try to connect, and fail. My process is so different from most of the other writers. And that's totally fine. But I don't know. Finding a community just never really works for me. I always feel on the outside looking in.

I've learned a lot from listening to other writers talk about issues in writing and publishing. And for that, I'm grateful. But constantly worrying about whether those people would approve of my stories has been making me so sick that I cannot work. And it's not their fault. That's just where my anxiety takes me. The other writers have been kind and supportive. But it's all very casual, and that's not the connection I'm craving. And any socializing is incredibly draining to me, so it has to be worth it.

What's the right amount of casual socializing for me? I don't know. Some of the discussions have been really enjoyable and motivating. But writing, to me, is about feeling immersed in story and characters. I want to discuss story... not writing, if that makes sense. I want to connect with another writer one-on-one. But it has to be the right match. And I don't know where to find that any more than any other deep connection with another human being.

My birthday is coming up in about a month. This tends to trigger emotional crashes. So, maybe I should pull away for a while. Get immersed back into story instead of all the technical examinations of writing. That's what I want to do. But I don't want to lose the little bit of connection I have found, since it's so rare.

The Destination is Important, Too

Health issues combined with continuing depression about life and the state of the world have made writing scarce these past few weeks. But I opened my windows today for the first time in ages, and I feel like I can breathe again. If you know me well, you'll know I'm not exactly a summer person. I get terribly overheated in the sun, keep my room fans all year, and wear a tank top and shorts if at all possible. (Seriously - middle of the winter, tank top and shorts.) But don't get me wrong, I don't particularly like winter, either. Snow is pretty from indoors, and luckily, I work from home and can stay out of it most of the time. I favor the in-between seasons. Spring and fall. More fall than spring these days, since the arrival of spring just makes me fear the summer and my birthday. But I love the breeze. Jane is an Air Element for a reason.

I just remembered this bit of advice I left when posting a song many years ago, and it still rings true: "And seriously, the biggest piece of advice I have for writers who are in the midst of a huge writer’s block, or have ideas but can't seem to get motivated enough to write... is open your window." Maybe some of you are more drawn to the scent of fresh earth or rain or the ocean, but I feel like most creative people have at least one major connection to nature. And it's good to reconnect.

Anyhow, I spent the day reading with the windows open, and I feel more alive than I have in a while. (I also packed up some copies of Magic Inc. for my next event!) Some of what I was reading was more Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Bird by Bird does have some very interesting things to say about writing, and it's a pleasant read. But I'm only deeply connecting to bits and pieces and not the core of the lessons themselves. For instance, I love the idea that characters will form themselves and that you shouldn't betray their personalities for the sake of plot. Also, that you're more a typist for the story that exists out there in the ether or in some other unconscious part of the brain. But I've realized this book is far more a tool for Pantsers than Plotters. The very idea of writing out a first draft with no idea where I was going is terrifying for me. I always need to know where I'm going. Some curves may surprise me, just like any journey. But the destination is important, too, you know.

I planned the majority of the Magic Inc. series before I even started the first book. Some sections of the journey have bigger empty spots waiting than others (which make me nervous if I think about them too much), but as a whole, I know where the story is going. I know my characters' wants and needs. I know the way their stories weave into my other books. And definitely, where it all ends.

But that's pretty far off, so we can just focus on the journey for now.