The pain I hold in my heart... It isn't easy loving Seth. Watching him is so painful. It's hard to believe that only a year ago my heart was being ripped out by his talk of changing schools. And Amber... Yes, I remember coming back from Easter vacation to hear of her for the first time. And after that, my ears caught her name quite often.

Yes, that pain still exists...

I almost wish Matt was here. He seems to make me forget my awful pain somehow. However, if he was here, he'd be just the same as those other guys. He'd think me a wretched piece of filth just like Seth does.

And I couldn't take more of that... not at all.

It's quite silly how flustered all this has made me. But see, it gave me a brilliant idea. My Dad gave me this pretty ring with flowers on it. Perhaps if I stare at it and sigh, Seth will think I have a boyfriend. Childish? Yes. But if it worked... Oh, what sweet revenge would that be!

Meanwhile, I'm out of Gym Class. My knees have been bothering me for almost a month, and I have no idea why. So, I'm getting an x-ray later today. Just the thought of it freaks me out, though I don't know why. But at least for now, I don't have to run around the school until I pass out.

But the oddest thing is I can't seem to write. I just sit at Lunch with my notebook open and ready... and nothing comes. Am I having a huge case of writer's block or is it more than that?

I am quite stunned. My feelings are changed so easily, it seems. My father has semi-recently gotten a new a new girlfriend. I expected it to happen eventually, although it was actually nice being alone with him on visits. Or perhaps it was just a relief from putting up with my evil ex-stepmother, Bonnie. Yes, that's probably it.

In any case, today I met this new girlfriend, MaryAnn and one of her sons, Matt. It was odd watching them get out of the car and come towards the house. It's hard to explain, really. It was just that knowledge that nothing would be the same again. I was entering a new phase in my life.

MaryAnn was very nice, though she seemed awfully nervous. I mentioned this to my mother as we escaped to Cray's room to water my bean plants.

Matt, however, was a pest. Only... Well, he is quite the flirt. I can't say I didn't adore the attention. Seth doesn't give me such attention. He never did. The attention I got from him was always negative. If not non-existant, that is.

Perhaps I should be looking elsewhere for a place to rest my love? Perhaps...? No. Never.

...blessing or curse? I cannot yet tell.