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Summer Grays

I've fallen into another summer depressive state. Usually, this happens near the beginning around my birthday because that prompts the examining of the past and thinking about the future. This time, it was a different catalyst, but the results were the same. I feel totally cut off and unimportant to the world. That, although some things have changed, I'm still basically in the same situation as nine years ago when I first left school. The way I normally feel has certainly improved some from those first few years. But I'm still never happy. I'm still really alone. I haven't had anything good enough happen in my life to even begin to balance all of the pain I've been through. And I know there are people who have been through way worse. Things I wouldn't have survived. But knowing that did nothing to prevent the pain and the panic and the isolation I felt. That I still feel, even if I now try to push it aside as much as I can.

Besides my Mom and Jill (my therapist), I don't have any support most of the time. My friends have all moved on with their lives. They have other friendships and relationships and jobs, even kids. I not only miss them; I feel jealous. They have a place in the world. And I don't. I feel totally useless. Even with writing, I'm still so far from anything being ready to be published and put out there. And there's no guarantee that anyone will connect to my stories or even read them. I've been trying so hard to focus on getting writing done and even taking somewhat better care of myself, but if I can still fall into feeling this bad... is there really a point to trying?

Sorry if this is a depressing read. But what good is a journal if you only write about the good stuff? I'm all about honesty, especially when it comes to expressing how you really feel. So, here it is. This is where I'm at.

Hopefully, it won't be for long...