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Wanting Change and Other Resolutions

I am a slow mover. Compared to a lot of people, I change very, very slowly. And actually, I like that about myself. I'm a constant. I'm reliable. Even when I do make a change, it's usually just growing to accept a part of me that was always meant to be that way. It makes sense.

Still, there are some changes I want to make this coming year. It's around the time to think about resolutions, and though you can make changes at any time, there is something, that feels sort of special about it. So, I thought I'd talk about my ideas for next year.

I'll barely make mention of finding my soulmate, because pretty much anyone, who knows me at all, will know that's the most important thing to me. But I also feel I need to make some more friends or at least rekindle some old friendships. I'm extremely lonely, and though I have friends I love, they are always so busy. Both of these hopes for the future really come down to finding relationships with a better balance. To be really important in someone's life. Important enough, that they will make our relationship a priority in their life. But there's only so much I can do about that right now. Basically, just be open to it and pray for it. I can't make people love me. So, let's move onto some things I have more direct influence on...

This year, I talked about ending the first draft of Dreaming in Shadow by the end of the year. That hasn't happened, though it's awfully close. I could still make it happen; I don't doubt that. But I'm not someone who needs to push themselves to prove a point. Times I've tried, I ended up with regrets. When it comes to writing, I usually hate whatever I write when I'm under pressure. I don't want to hate the end of Dreaming in Shadow! It's too important, and I'm nervous enough about other people hating it. So, I might not "succeed" in the traditional sense of meeting a goal, but I certainly put a lot of effort into it. That's good enough.

For next year, I want to actually finish the first drafts of Dreaming in Shadow and Magic Inc. Book One early on and get solidly into the second drafts of both stories by the end of the year. It also would be nice to finish up the first drafts of Miss Masquerade and Spun of Silver by the end of next year as well. That's a lot of work to be done! Again, I'm not going to give myself too much pressure. This is one of those goals I'm going to put effort into, but I'm not going to make any huge changes in how I'm going about it. The exact goals are not as important as the idea, that I just want continue to progress.

There is one goal, which requires an actual change. I'm probably not willing to make as much of a change concerning this issue as people would recommend, but I'm making a compromise I know I can actually live with. I talk a lot about my issues in this journal, but I don't think I've touched on this one very much. I'm basically a mini-hoarder. Well, not in the sense of like having old pizza boxes or 40 cats or anything that self-destructive. I have a lot of interests, and I like buying things. This results in a lot of stuff. I'm not going to stop buying things, because I never spend more money than I have, and I need to constantly be able to have just the right thing to inspire me at just the right time. I've already started to release some things that no longer serve me, like books I know I'll never read again. And it feels good to make donations, but I still have a lot of stuff.

I think it's not the amount of stuff so much as what I do with it. I've used my stuff kind of as a nest to keep me safe. It's something that I've done since I was little, and it does need to change. I like a little organized chaos, but I've been feeling things are getting out of hand, even for me. I have pile of stuff basically as wide, long, and high as my bed. Things have been bad like this for a long time, but I've come into a place in the last year of getting more money than I'm used to on a regular basis, and more than ever before, I am not able to sort through the incoming stuff even a quarter as fast as it is accumulating. I know, it's a curse of abundance. But I'm also running out of places to put the things I'm keeping. My bookcase is getting stuffed, and even after removing my CDs and putting them on their own shelf in the basement, my cabinet won't take long to fill again. I need more shelves and cabinets for storing things, but that pile needs to get out of there first, because there is literally no place to put any more furniture in here.

So, next year, I am going to get a bunch of huge plastic bins and finally sort through everything in that pile. I expect this to be a hard job, both physically and, even more so, emotionally. But this is something that needs to happen in my life, and it needs to happen soon. I've already spent a lot of time going through old toys and such in the basement, and I need to get that job done first, but I think it's been preparing me for this job. Maybe I'll document the process a little. And hey, I'll probably find some really cool stuff at the bottom of the pile. Or just really silly stuff like my long lost Aaron Carter CDs. Yeah...

And there's one other big thing I want to do next year. I want to work a little more exercise into my regular schedule. I really don't feel comfortable talking about dieting or exercise or anything that involves my body - it's a Social Anxiety thing - but I do want to make that change in my life.

Now, to distract you from that last paragraph, I want to share these videos with you about making changes from Gabby Bernstein. She was there to inspire me during the switch of 2011 to 2012, and now, she's doing the same thing this time around. The reason I'm making this post is that she says it's helpful to write out your goals and share them with others to get support. I hope she inspires you, too, if there are changes you want to make for the new year. Share those with me, if you feel like it!

Just in general, I really would love it for people to respond to my entries. (I know they've been sparse lately. Apologies.) Even if you're usually pretty quiet, always feel free to talk to me about anything. I am honestly one of the nicer people you'll ever meet. My therapist has been telling me I might need to actually invite people like me to come out of lurk mode, and it finally seems like the right time to start.

I love you all!

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