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I think I've stepped into a time warp. Or maybe that's what I want to feel right now: Lovely Despair.

What is time warpy about me right now? Well, last post, I mentioned how I was watching my school's Christmas concerts. That's what really tore me open, but I've been thinking of some other strange things. I've been writing every day for a week: something I haven't done since I dropped out of school. I've even been writing in this journal more than usual. And today, I'm sitting here listening to Evanescence's new CD, while looking through Etsy to find jewelry mostly for old characters that started out in my Harry Potter fanfiction.

So, there's been a lot of things making me think back. This is good and bad. Bad, because I can get stuck in really obsessively depressed moods when I think too much about the past. But this pain, I call Lovely Despair... because it can also bring out amazing inspiration in me. Which I could use if I'm really going to try to write every day this month.

I feel like indulging in this. Drowning in this feeling. Pouring over old stories, old journals. I wish I had my first journal from 4th grade. It would help me so much with Magic Inc. Book One, but I think I may have ripped it up. Ah, and usually I was so good at saving things for my future me. My younger self certainly was not perfect, but she knew when to appreciate things that wouldn't last. And how to save things for me. And hey, that journal might still be here somewhere. You never know what you'll find in my mountain of stuff.

Well, I'm going to try to use this intense pain in a good way. Just like I used to. Just like I always have. But the more deeply I dive in, the more lost I could get. Still, this pain will haunt me for awhile, either way. I might as well use it, right?

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therentyoupay
Nov. 22nd, 2011 04:31 am (UTC)
I hope your writing is picking up speed! As awful as it is to have those negative memories still swirling around, I hope it's given you some great inspiration for NaNoWriMo. :/
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