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January 7th, 2012

Ego's Backlash

When I wrote my entry yesterday, I felt pretty positive and well-aligned. That didn't last long at all. Before I knew it, I was feeling all caught back up in negative thoughts. "You can't find your soulmate just by sending out positive vibrations," says Vanessa the ego. "Besides, we're talking about you. There's no way you can keep up this positive energy thing, so you might as well give up now." And by the end of the day, I felt just as awful as usual. Nighttime is usually the perfect time for dark things to come after me, and I'm left wondering "Why did I feel good at all today?".

Luckily, this chapter of Add More ~ing is talking about how you must keep working harder even when you get to good place, because the ego isn't just resting all this time: it's getting stronger, too. I think that's something that people fail to realize, and it has a lot to do with how I feel when people use the phase "get better". Emotional issues aren't a cold or the flu or even a form of treatable cancer. You don't really "get better" as in everything's better now. Maybe you find help through therapy, meditation, or the right medication, but that doesn't mean you're cured. Most emotional issues are a daily struggle, and the best you can do is use the tools that work for you to do your best each day.

The same goes with fighting your ego or negative thoughts. The ego isn't a demon you slay and then it's gone. (Forgive me, I've been watching too much Buffy and Angel lately.) The ego is something you're stuck with your whole life. Sounds disheartening, doesn't it? Well, that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. For me, I've made a lot of progress over the years in "befriending" my dark side, but not really in asserting any control over that darkness. Instead of being a monster that controlled me completely, Vanessa is now like that bad friend, whose advice you listen to even when you know you shouldn't. It's an improvement, but it still means she has a strong influence over me.

After reading this chapter, I am feeling a bit better again, but I won't be surprised when Vanessa tries to pull me in again. Truth is, she's terrified, because the more light I bring into my life, the less room there is for her. No wonder she tries to sabotage my finding Morgan, my brightest light. It all makes so much sense, Gabby.