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January 5th, 2012

Shouldn't it be enough?

I was thinking it wouldn't get worse than that first chapter, but I was wrong. I should have known that. I already knew how Gabrielle Bernstein felt about this. I'm sorry, but I don't believe in being whole on my own. I don't want to be whole on my own. I want to find my other half. A balance in my life. And this feeling isn't going to change. That doesn't mean I expect some "perfect" guy to save me. And what I expect out of this person isn't for him to be gorgeous or rich. I expect him to be able to match the overflowing love I have for him. For him to be true to me completely. And for him to believe in the things I hold most important. But I've gone over all of this recently.

What I did get from this chapter - well, it didn't just start in this chapter; it's something I've had to think about for a long time. And maybe it's the last thing that's holding me back from finding this wonderful love I've always dreamed of. But it's not going to be an easy thing to get over.

I've never even been kissed. Not once. Not even a peck. Nothing. That's not really hard to admit, honestly. And I'm not really ashamed of it. I've poured my soul out so many times on the subject of how I've been treated by my peers. Should it really be a surprise that this lonely, tormented girl was never wanted romantically?

But what this has done to me is make me terrified that Morgan has been with someone before. In fact, the only thing in the world that scares me more than this is the thought of never finding Morgan at all. As time goes on, it seems less and less likely that Morgan will be as inexperienced as I am. And it really tears me apart, because when I think of Morgan having been intimate with anyone else, it makes me sick. Kind of in that "I want to die." way.

The problem with all of this is that it isn't really fair to him. I can't expect out of Morgan what I couldn't offer him myself, and the only reason I can offer him my virginity is because no one I loved ever wanted me. I would have happily slept with the guys I truly loved. So, how can I expect him to be "pure" when - in intention - I'm not really pure either. Shouldn't it be enough that he loves me truly and completely from the day we meet on? It should be, but I'm scared that it isn't. I'm scared that the ghosts of his past will haunt me even worse than my own. And God knows, that's saying something.

I tried to cry it out of me. I've tried to imagine myself dealing with the situation and accepting it - which is honestly a step further than I've been able to take in so many years. I've tried to forgive him and release him to have lived before me, because obviously, he won't come out of thin air. He'll have lived. But it still hurts. I'm so insecure about myself as it is.

So, yes... this is all about me. I don't believe wanting someone to give as much love to you as you give to them is asking too much. I don't think wanting the person you love to believe in a God, soulmates, and being a vegetarian is too much. I don't think wanting the person you love to never cheat or even imagine cheating is too much. But expecting the person you love to have never loved before you is too much. If I want Morgan to be real - as in a real person - I have to let some of his past go. I need to be able to love him for the person he is when I find him, and let that be enough.

Maybe Gabby didn't get through to me what she wanted in this chapter - though I do honestly believe in finding the "romance" in other places of your life, like friendship and creativity, and letting go of worldly desires regarding your partner. But either way, I've written about something very painful to think about. That doesn't mean I'm going to be okay with it now, but it does mean that I've decided to force myself to get through this. It will be hard and heart-breakingly painful, but it's almost certainly necessary.

That's how much I love you, Morgan... wherever you are. I'm going to set you free to have made mistakes and choices that have lead you to where you are. I ask in return for you to grant me the same kindness and to be patient with me and my insecurities.