Recently I found this list on Tumblr:


Even more recently (AKA: Sunday), I ended up talking with my Aunt about how depressed I get around my birthday, which is on Memorial Day this year. I talked about getting depressed, mostly because another year passes, where I've yet to find my soulmate. Though I was thankul that for one year I could actually say one thing was going right in my life: writing, I would rather be happy with Morgan and struggling with writing, if given the choice. She said that it seemed things were moving along in the areas I was putting effort in. I told her there wasn't much I could do about what I really wanted, though. And then, I could see the conversation turning in a bad way. As with many people, talking about finding Morgan was not a safe subject. Jan started giving me the same things I've heard so often. I have to go out more and meet people.

World, listen... I have severe Social Anxiety. No, like... seriously. I don't handle social situations well. I can't go out much and never alone. But I'm okay with that. It's part of who I am. Why does nobody get it? Why does it seem that the most common reaction to an introverted person is to try to "fix" them? I realize I'm an extreme case - even my pesonality test has me at 100% introverted - but my point is still true. Why do all the movies try to makeover the quiet girl into a social butterfly? Isn't she beautiful the way she is?

I'm not saying it isn't good to try to gain more confidence. And occasionally, it might even be good to push yourself a little bit. If it's important. If you find you are keeping yourself from something you really want to do. But it is not okay the way everyone wants to make you change into a person that just not you anymore. That's never okay.

And going back to my conversation... when it comes to finding my soulmate, I want to find someone a lot like me (#10). A quiet person, who likes to stay home most of the time. Does it really make sense to push myself into social situations to find a person, who also avoids them? Isn't it way more likely to find that kind of person online? Maybe, he'll stumble onto my blog and fall completely in love. Or vice versa. To me, that seems way more likely.

Not that I'm totally against finding him in person. Not-so-secretly, I wonder if I'll meet him just about everytime I leave the house. And I have pushed myself to do the things that really call out to me. Hopefully, someday, I'll sit with LK Hunsaker in her book tent at craft shows or do some kind of book event at the mall bookstore, like the owner has offered to me... even though the idea of these things kind of terrifies me. But I'm not ever going to push myself to go out and be more social just for the sake of it. Hear that, world?! I like myself the way I am!

Side Notes: 1. I think I need to purchase Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, which LK told me about, since I'm getting so fired up about the subject. 2. Anna Nalick's Shine is a fantastically inspirational song. It's my theme for Spun of Silver, no question. 3. Please fix your spell check button, LiveJournal. I'm a terrible speller, and I'm nervous enough posting with spell check.

Wait, check the calender. It's May. May. Not March. Right, got it.

But to my point. I'm writing stories. Hopefully, you already know this. If not, I'll fill you in... I'm actively writing 4 stories: Dreaming in Shadow, Miss Masquerade, Magic Inc. (Book 1), and Spun of Silver. The first three of those stories aproximately follow a school year, at least for most of the story. And somehow, they are all stuck in March, waiting for the big things that start to happen in April or May.

The strange part is that, in my life, March has been a month of changes. Often, painful in one way or another. But it doesn't seem to be happening in the way I've lined up these stories. Or maybe, I should say that I'm now trying to make it happen, and I'm having issues. I do think that I'm one the path of figuring out how to make March a month of changes for Miss Masquerade and Dreaming in Shadow, but Magic Inc. is being resistant. If only I could remember 4th grade better. And I thought I had a great memory...

I have to say though, that writing is going extremely well lately. Last week, I wrote over 15 pages, which is insane for me. And this week, I've already written about 8. The reason seems to be pretty simple. Truthfully, my emotions have been all over the place. And I really started to wonder if my writing - Spun of Silver, in particular - was fueling my depression, or if my depression was fueling my writing. As in most cases, I think it was a little of both.

But why is it so much harder for me to write Spun of Silver, when Magic Inc. is also directly about me? The simple answer there is that SoS me is the real me, the right now me... as close as it can be. And even though, as the writer, I know that Morgan loves me endlessly, this me is full of doubts and scared. Just as the real me is terrified of never finding her soulmate. Every word I write is completely true and real for me. And this feeling I have now is wondering if Morgan can feel me where ever he is out there. I feel like I keep calling out with no response. How do you not start to fill with fear and doubts when that happens?

Instead, all I want to do lately is sleep. And dream. And write. I need to live in the places, where even the ignored, unpretty little girl, who nobody wanted, who nobody's ever even kissed, has a soulmate. And he loves her endlessly.

So, I guess I had nothing to be worried about! ^_^

Yesterday, I got a lot of things done. I did four loads of laundry. I finally finished A Game of Thrones. Most importantly, I wrote a 10-page chapter of Dreaming in Shadow. I was proud of myself, because getting back to seriously writing after a few weeks is always hard. But my goodness, I stressed myself out.

After a few weeks of mostly worrying about still far-off things like editors and future books, I ended up worrying about the actual writing again. I had a simple concept of the chapter for so very many years, but things started happening that I hadn't expected. Suddenly, characters were talking about really important things that the main character (and the reader) aren't supposed to understand until the end of the book. I was watching my hand write out dialogue that had me wanting to shout, "Don't give away the big plot twist, [enter character name here]!"

Hopefully, I ended up writing a conversation that doesn't give much away, but upon a reread reveals another meaning. But I just keep worrying that I'm not a skilled enough writer to pull that off. Especially, with a scene that I hadn't planned for ages, the way I usually write important scenes. Sometimes, I just don't even feel I deserve to be a writer. I'm a creator, and I love - adore - my ideas, but will I ever be skilled enough to write something that can even begin to compare to writers I admire? Will I ever be someone's favorite writer? Will anyone buy my books at all? Will they be even worth buying?

That's what stresses me, at the moment.

I haven't been writing much. However, I have been very focused on planning. Readying myself to finish Dreaming in Shadow and Miss Masquerade. Thinking about how I'll procede with the next versions. Trying to figure out which stories I'll start next. And lots of details in stories I'm planning out. Sometimes, it's hard to feel satisified with a week of just planning... but I also know, I've been really busy up in my head, not just with writing but with other things as well. And I've certainly been busy taking in inspiration!

Yesterday, I completed Titanic: Adventure Out of Time for the 5th or 6th time. What makes this time special is that I did it for the 100th anniversary. And I managed to do what I always wanted to do - save Georgia, while still getting off the boat with all the important objects. Every guide I can remember warned against trying to save Georgia, and you get no acknowledgement at the end of the game for doing so. But like with all the effort I spend in trying to keep followers alive in The Elder Scolls games, I feel good about it. In my world, Georgia and Carlson live happily ever after in this great world of peace.

Another thing I revisited last week was Firefly. It's only my second time watching it, and no, I didn't watch it while it was actually on, sorry. But man, I love that show. Spaceships really aren't my thing, but the characters in this show are awesome. And that's what makes me love a story. I felt even more sad this time that the show ended so short. But it made me think that I really need to get into some fanfiction. I don't read much of it these days, but this show seems perfect for it. It had so much potential. I'm not really sure where to start looking, though.

I've also begun a struggle the last couple of weeks of reading A Game of Thrones. I think I've had this book for about 5 years, on recommendation from Jill. But I've been ignoring it, because I had a feeling it would frustrate me. Maybe it sounds pathetic coming from a writer, but I really don't care for Adult Fantasy. (Or most Adult Fiction, in general.) I feel like it's often too focused on world-building details, instead of how the characters are feeling. Of course, that isn't limited to Adult Fantasy, as I've seen Spindle's End in the YA section, but I think it is more common. And like that book, I really do enjoy the characters in A Game of Thrones, but they often get lost in technical details. Also, the book has twice made me sick with gory descriptions. At least with a movie, I can look away if I see it coming, then it's gone. Books don't quite work that way.

Funnily, the author - like Robin McKinley - is apparently against fanfiction. I guess that's their right, but I don't really respect creators limiting fan expression, when it can actually do a lot to help their creations to be shared with others. As long as someone isn't making money off of your work without permission or claiming it as their own, I don't see what the problem is. I'm just glad my favorite author didn't limit my creativity while I was exploring writing for the first time with her world.

And speaking of that, I joined Pottermore. It's... okay. The interface isn't particularly great. However, the new information is worth the bit of hassle! Oh, Jo Rowling. <3 She just knew we needed more now that the movies are finished. And she has so much information to give! Nothing wrong with her world-building, since you can also feel close to Harry and his emotions. That's the perfect combination, if you ask me.

So far, I've enjoyed the questions, but not the result. Dragon heartstring wand. :/ I would never use that. Next, they'll put me in Slytherin. Though I'd actually mind that less. But it just reminds me of how I'd not be able to deal with Hogwarts if it were real. Turning beetles into buttons and cutting up animal bits for Potions. Sorry, I'll pass. I'll just stay at home and write about magic.

And that's just a portion of all the fandoms I've been into the past couple of weeks! For a more updated idea of what I'm into at any time you could follow me on Tumblr. I check in almost every night.

My Grandma's birthday was a couple of days ago. It's the first birthday, where we couldn't throw her a party, and all of us are thinking of her last party... at the hospital. Truthfully, while I was sad, I didn't want to have that be the feeling on her birthday. That's not a day Grandma would want us to mourn. It's meant to be celebrated. But in the end, I couldn't quite get that celebration going, in myself or anyone else.

Still, lately, I've been watching shows and movies I used to watch with Grandma. Or even just ones I think she would like. And I can feel her laughing with me, watching with me, watching over me. I don't know why that part is so easy for me. My Mom says she wishes she could feel Grandma's presence, but part of me feels like my Mom is blocking it out, because it makes her sad. I don't know. I guess I just trust in Grandma being there for me always, whenever I need her.

So, though it is late, Happy Birthday, Grandma. Feel free to visit me often.

...good things will follow?

Sometimes, things really do start to come together, and you are given a look into what the future could be like. But how you react to this glimpse is all up to you. I have the tendency to get anxious even over good things. My reasoning is mostly that I know how to handle things going wrong - or I should say, continuing in the unhappy way they always have been. I don't know how to deal with happiness or things going right, because it just doesn't happen to me.

Or do I somehow chase it away?

I happened to talk to the lady, who owns the little office supply/discount bookstore now at our mall. (And let me throw in here that last time I was at this book store, I found a signed copy of a book I had just seen a quote from the night before. What synchronicity!This place is starting to feel magical to me...) She happened to hear me remark that I wished I was as good at reading books as I was at buying them. I mean, I could honestly not buy another book for 10 years and still not run out of new things to read! Anyhow, when she said the same was true for her, I ended up telling her how I spend half my time writing books, not reading them. Basically, they seem to complete for the same section of my attention.

So, she got really excited, as I told her just a little about the kind of books I'm writing and said that I could have some kind of event there once I was published. She even said that maybe they could carry my books. Wow. Pretty crazy, right? Now, of course, things could change any number of ways between now and when I finish Dreaming in Shadow. But still, it's a great possibility. I was really excited.

And then, I panicked. I started thinking that I'll never finish Dreaming in Shadow. By that, I mean that it will never be "done". Once I finish a typed copy, how will I find an editor that I trust? And an illustrator? And figure out how to self-publish? I've said this many times, but everything beyond writing, I have absolutely no clue of. And ever since I calmed down over how I would feel ending the story, this has been my main worry. It's actually also getting in the way of my wanting to write (Dreaming in Shadow, at least...). But I don't really feel ready to start trying to figure these things out either, because I worry it's just going to stress me out even more. I'm so torn. :/

But I'll tell you what... I'm trying to stay focused and positive. I want to be able to trust that good things are on the way. Writing has been generally feeling pretty natural lately. I'm writing more in little chucks at night, after building up my inspiration during the day. I've been feeling passionate about the whole process and trying to stay in the moment of each part. Though... I'll admit, pausing a movie to write is not an unwelcome (or uncommon) thing!

After last entry, I spent a more than a week suffering mostly from a feeling of disconnection from Morgan. It was miserable. Everytime I thought of him, it brought pain. It was like walking past a sparking electrical cord. So, I tried to not think of him. It was like we were fighting, neither one of us wanting to give in. And that is something that directly damages my ability to write. Jill and I both worried that maybe some big breakdown was approaching.

A good thing that did happen was that I really threw myself into some shows, games, and a book. And I really was loving everything I was doing. Because I was so obsessed with hiding from thoughts of Morgan, I put 100% of my energy into whatever I was doing at the time, so that my mind wouldn't wander. That lead me to be even more invested in the stories I was seeing unfold. I felt very inspired... but I couldn't write, because Morgan is my muse, and we were fighting.

Eventually, though, I could feel a slow healing begin. And Morgan and I made up. We were completely in love again. And now, I find myself writing a lot. I've written two chapters this week and worked on lots of little ideas. I feel like I can't even hold all my bursting inspiration. Yesterday, I scanned through some of my first fanfiction. The writing quality was awful, but so many of my ideas for The Timeline started there. It was magical getting caught back in that time of creative energy.

So, things have been going well. For my life, anyhow. I've continued to be really excited about just about everything I'm doing. Living in the present is the way to go, they say. And I can almost feel Morgan's presence with me. All I can hope is that we really are close to finding each other in the physical world.

March is a complicated month for me. It's the month I fell in love. The month I left school. The month my Grandma went into the hospital. It's a month of changes and reflection. A month of breaking apart. And I have been.

I've always thought that the places I go on the internet - this journal in particular - would be like a beacon to my soulmate. Something calling him to me. But I've begun to wonder if everyone having their own blogs and Facebooks and everything has created too much noise for any one person to be heard. I feel like there are lots of people screaming out their pain, but no one is listening. Just because like-minded people aren't finding their way to each other so as to make a connection.

These thoughts were building and exploded when I finally finished reading the first Rehearsal book on Wednesday. I was crashing; that was what I used to call panic attacks before I knew what they were. And that's what it felt like, too... like I was being sucked back to March 2005, when I was breaking, crashing so absolutely.

When I went in to therapy on Thursday, I was feeling a tiny bit more stable - mostly just depressed and exhausted. But I just felt like it was going to be one of those more rare sessions, where I come out feeling worse instead of better. But what Jill thought of when I told her about worrying that Morgan won't find me in all the noise, I wasn't expecting. She thought I should join a vegetarian dating site. I was terrified.

My fears were acute. And conflicting. Of course, I worried that no one would talk to me. That it would just be another place I wasn't finding any sort of connection. But I also worried that my Hachi, my Lover archetype, was going to lose it. Any time that I've felt myself losing control of Hachi the last few years, I've reminded myself that the person wasn't a vegetarian. It was my safety net. Too important to me to compromise on. But on this site, everyone would be a vegetarian. Where was my escape, then?

Jill described it as the fear of failure and the fear of success. But it's not exactly success I fear. Not real success: finding my soulmate. It's the fear of finding someone close enough to my soulmate, that I get confused or tricked. And if I did fall in love, thinking I'd found my Morgan, and that person really let me down, I'd be totally devastated.

Going in, I only have two ways of thinking... I'll either be falling in love all over the place, or I'll be so careful that I won't talk to anyone. The second one being the more likely. Truly, I do fall in love easily, but I don't trust easily. At all. I worry that even if I did meet my soulmate, I'd never believe it was him. I'd never be able to trust him to be real. How can I ever trust that someone would love me, me with all their heart and soul? I can't. That's next to impossible, isn't it?

Well, I joined a site, worked hard on a profile, and looked around a bit. Mostly, everyone sounded so very different from me. The fear that I would be falling in love with anyone, who was a vegetarian, was totally off. Which is good, of course. But as I kept looking and looking, I just felt so weird and messed up. No one was talking about anything like what I go through. And they want emotionally-stable, independant, and decently figured women. Well, I'm none of those. And I never will be.

Times like this make me wonder if I'm just not meant to be happy.

Turns out, I was just ready to work on Hate You, Hate Me. It flowed really well, just like last year. I finished the chapter and sent it to Audry. She was able to read it that night. So, everything really worked out. I'm not sure when the chapter will be edited, so I don't know when it will be up. But I am really excited and proud of myself, because I started out this chapter with very little confidence.

I am kind of hoping to get some of my readers back. This will be the first totally new chapter since 2005, and it should send out an alert on Fanfiction.net to people, who subscribed to the story, when it goes up. I used to have plenty of people interested in the story, but I don't know how many of them would still be. It would be nice to get some new people reading as well, but I also feel like it's weird to try to convince people to get invested in a story that only gets updated once or twice a year. Is that really fair? If people know that, would they find it hard to connect at all?

Well, after getting writing done earlier in the week, I kind of took it easy. I did want my extra day to be special, but all I ended up with were extra frustrations. Oh, well... that happens. I did enjoy getting my order from Pacifica. It's so nice to find an affordable vegan company. I can order whatever I want from them and not have to worry. I'm already considering buying a third perfume from them soon. I love the two scents I bought so far.

Oh, and I absolutely must share that Mallory started using DeviantArt. She used to draw so many beautiful pictures for my old fanfiction. I especially want to share her picture of my character, Water. It is one of my favorites. Now, she does a lot of photography, which is also very lovely. But I do hope she'll add in more drawings as well!

I'm actually in a good mood today. I feel energized and excited. I wonder how long that will last. Haha.